As many of you are now experiencing because of quarantine, working from home has its perks: not having to wear real clothes, being able to make yourself a leisurely breakfast, playing video games during your lunch break, cuddling with your puppy while binge watching The X Files, etc. (Now I say “you” because I’ve been working remotely for the last four years and so have gotten to experience all these pleasures for a long time.)
However, there are of course definite draw backs of working remotely, many of which have only been exacerbated thanks to the mandatory quarantine—lack of social interaction and bad internet jump to the top of the list in my mind.
Much like the rest of the world, the NFL has gone completely remote, so much so that they’ll be hosting the 2020 Draft remotely, hopefully just in one giant zoom call. (Hell, I just saw the entire cast of Hamilton jump on a Zoom call so I have to think all 32 teams could jump on one no problem.) As anyone who’s had to join a Zoom call for work however knows, there are plenty of things that can go wrong in the virtual work place.
I decided to take it upon myself to prepare everyone for the possible horrors—or humors depending on how you look at things—that could go down in this remote 2020 NFL Draft and rank them from least to most likely to happen.
Pete Carroll calls in on his phone and proceeds to constantly pace around his apartment, giving everyone watching motion sickness
There’s no way Pete Carroll is sitting still for four hours as the NFL Draft unfolds. Because of this, Carroll calls in from his phone to allow maximum movability to burn off all the energy he has from chugging Russell Wilson’s Nanobubble water and eating fifteen packs of gum. NFL coaches and GMs are stuck watching Carroll pace from one corner of his confines to the other, swinging the camera in every which way.
Andy Reid stands up in front of the camera, forgetting he didn’t put pants on
There are few coaches in the NFL who enjoy being comfortable more than Andy Reid. His love for Hawaiian shirts is proof of that. It should be no surprise then to learn that Reid is a big fan of the “only dress up your top half for a conference call” philosophy that allows you to continue wearing whatever pjs/underwear/tutu/comfy pants you rock while you spend time in the house. After the Chiefs pick at 32, Reid gets up to polish his Super Bowl ring, forgetting that for the last four hours he’s been rocking Hello Kitty boxers.
One of Philip Rivers’ children wander into Chris Ballard’s office
Think this, but multiplied by nine.
Jon Gruden thinks he’s back on TV and gives his thoughts after each draft pick
Being in front of a camera again confuses Gruden, who just assumes that he somehow is now both the Raiders head coach AND the leading color commentary guy for the draft coverage. This leads to Gruden sharing his thoughts after each pick, including voicing much frustrations when the Dolphins take Tua Tagovailoa, saying “Damnit, that’s the guy I wanted” much to Derek Carr’s chagrin.
Adam Gase sits waaaaaaaay too close to the camera
Dave Gettleman gets bumped from the chat thanks to spotty WiFi
I can assure you a football guy like Dave Gettleman will take no precautions in regards to the internet prior to the NFL Draft. Why would he? The internet works at his house when he watches the Big 12 (is it the Big 12 anymore?) and it worked well enough for him to flawlessly evaluate Daniel Jones last season. So why does he have to worry about it now? Unsurprisingly, when Dave tries to log onto the 60+ person Zoom conference from his 75 Mbps router, things don’t go well. Sometimes it pays to prepare Dave.
Jerry Jones misses the Cowboys’ pick because he’s muted
Grinning ear-to-ear, Jerry is the happiest boy in the party as miraculously, Isaiah Simmons, the do-it-all linebacker/safety/corner, is still on the board at 17, ready for the Cowboys to pick. Jerry can’t get the pick in fast enough and as soon as he’s on the clock he wheezes “With the 17th pick, the Cowboys select Isaiah Simmons”. No one reacts. Jerry, perplexed, says the pick again. Still no reaction. Roger Goodell finally chimes in, “Jerry, are you muted?” Panic hits Jerry’s face as he desperately tries to figure out how to unmute himself before the time runs out. Red faced, Jerry looks offscreen and screams something into the room. Suddenly, a panicked Stephen Jones sprints into the room and clicks the microphone to unmute, just as Chris Grier, grinning ear-to-ear, says “With the 18th pick, the Dolphins select Isaiah Simmons” to which everyone in the chat applauds for being the steal of the draft.
Bill Belichick (with big help from Ernie Adams) hacks into every team’s Zoom account
Now that Belichick knows what every team’s draft board looks like, he runs wild, wheeling and dealing all night long until the Patriots end up with Joe Burrow, Chase Young, Jerry Jeudy and Isaiah Simmons. How could this happen? Who knows. But you can bet Belichick will find a way to use this whole virtual draft thing to his advantage and pray upon those teams who are overwhelmed by the internet. Looking back at you Dave...
And now, for the most likely thing to happen during the virtual 2020 NFL Draft...
Bill O’Brien forgets to mute himself while discussing the Texans’ big board
You know this is one hundred percent going to happen. It’s gonna be really awkward too because O’Brien is just talking about the Texans’ draft plans to himself since he doesn’t allow anyone else in the organization to make decisions. It’s one thing to give up your whole draft plan because you forgot to mute yourself. It’s another thing to do it when there’s no one you’re actually talking to.