Fantasy Game of Thrones: Season 8, Episode 6 “The Iron Throne” scorecard

Last week, Pete defended Daenerys and her poor life choices.

I will not be as kind.

Consider yourself warned.

First up in this episode’s ridiculousness: Bran Stark. You sight idly by on your ass, warging into a bunch of ravens, while nearly everyone around you dies to fight the army of the dead. You say nothing. You then say and do nothing for the rest of the season. FOR WHAT REASON ARE YOU HERE? And then all of a sudden you WANT to rule? If I were a spiteful person (I’m not) I’d be rooting for someone to push you out of another tower.

Next up: Lords of Westeros. You chose a cripple and the Imp to wield all the power in the known world? Have we learned nothing of men’s greed from GRRM? You expect all the other lords and people of Westeros to just blindly accept the rule of Bran and the Imp??? What is wrong with you people?

Next: Tyrion! My man, you would’ve had a hell of an episode, but you blundered in the Dragonpit. Who has a better story than Bran the Broken? Hmm, let me think...

JON MF SNOW/STARK/TARGARYEN, THAT’S WHO! Bran goes on some weird AF journey to learn all the memories of the world, which he uses to DO NOTHING to stop the Great War or the war against Cersei. That’s it! Jon was a bastard. Became Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. Made peace with the wildlings. Was KILLED, and RESURRECTED. Became King in the North. Made peace with Dany to save the North. Helped defeat the army of the dead. Killed Dany for the good of all people after she went mad—despite his feelings towards her. WHO HAS A BETTER STORY, TYRION? WHO?

Next up: D&D. You actually wrote into the episode that Jon kills Dany in secret, and then goes and tells on himself? I mean, how else did people find out? Also, Jon murders the queen, tells on himself, and Grey Worm allows him to live? Did you guys even watch the episode? Grey Worm is slaughtering common Lannister soldiers, but he allows Jon to be imprisoned and accepts the choice of the Lords of Westeros, despite recently being anointed as Dany’s Commander of all forces/Master of War? Really? And then he lets Jon ride North on his own? Doesn’t even bother to make sure Jon makes it to the Night’s Watch? You gotta be kidding me! -100 to D&D for being insane.

I could pick this thing apart all day, but I’m going to lay it down. I’ll find solace in the fact that Arya is gonna crush it out west, Sansa is ruling the north, and Jon is in effect a wildling king. It’s hard to get excited about Bran the Useless sitting on the Iron Throne, though.

You know what they did get right? Drogon’s fury. I know how you feel, champ.

Now for the “highlights,” I guess:

Dany gets the usual dragonriding perk (+ 25). I’ll give her +15 for her crazy speech, too. That’s about it. I mean, she died like 15 minutes in. Hard to accrue points that way.

Jon Snow did some work, son. He gets +30 for coolly walking by Drogon to go kill his mother. Nabs +100 for killing Dany, +100 for an “OH SHIT” moment. +100 for surviving Drogon’s wrath (another “oh shit” moment). +15 for Arya hug, +15 for Sansa hug, +15 for FINALLY PATTING GHOST ON THE HEAD. -40 to D&D for working that in only after everyone told them how ridiculous they were to formerly omit it.

Grey Worm started off strong, +5 for killing an unknown, another +5 for doing it so slowly. +5 for probably killing another one of the guys kneeling, too (maybe all of them but who can say?). I’ll give him +20 for being named Commander and Master of War.

Tyrion was doing work until the Dragonpit. +15 crying for Jaime. +30 for caution to the wind and renouncing his Hand-dom. +5 for the zinger “and you slaughtered a city!” +5 for “did you bring any wine” joke, +5 for Varys joke, +5 for asking Jon the tough question (love vs. duty). -40 for making Bran the new king. A grudging +100 for being named the new Hand.

Drogon wasn’t in the player pool, but SHOUTS TO MY HOMIE for roasting the throne (+100). Also +15 for nuzzling Dany and then carrying her away.

We all ate the chalk with Arya. +5 for the zinger (threatening Yara). +15 for hugging Jon. That’s it? Seriously? After serving the many-faced God and becoming an epic assassin? Killing the Night King? Fulfilling ²⁄₃ of a prophecy, but not the final third? -40 to Melisandre for being wrong again. -40 to D&D for wasting Arya’s story arc. Seriously, now she’s Christopher Columbus? Gimme a break. Also, -40 due to abandoning Bran. You know he ain’t gonna last. -40 to D&D for sending a horse/resurrecting a horse to Arya MF Stark in Episode 5, only to have it be COMPLETELY MEANINGLESS in the finale. So a mystical white horse just happened to live through Dany’s rampage, eh? Okaaaaaay then.

Sansa gets +100 for becoming QUEEN IN THE NORTH, +15 for hugging Jon, +5 for asking the tough question to Bran about the North remaining independent. Also +5 for telling her uncle to sit down.

Bran gets a grudging +500 for winning the Iron Throne, but -40 for banishing/abandoning his brother Jon.

Brienne gets +15 for finishing Jaime’s page in the book of knights. Well done, Ser Brienne.

These guys/gal all get +20 for their new titles/roles on the small council: Brienne, Bronn, Davos, Sam, and Podrick. Pod also gets +20 for becoming a knight. Here is the characters’ scorecard...

Note: Due to a disturbing lack of Sex and Drinking in this episode, I deleted those columns. They were useless.

And here are all the lineups I could find. If I missed you, please comment or tweet at the Fake Teams handle. If I miscounted, don’t hate me. I did my best.

In summation, it’s been a great run. But I do agree that the final season fell short of what it could have been. Shouts to Smallest Sparrow and to CT for the tie at the top of the rankings!

How about you, fantasy GoT folks? Did you like the final episode?