I rewatched ‘The Sandlot’ and ranked each character’s fantasy potential

The Sandlot turned 25 this weekend and to celebrate the greatest baseball movie of all time—get at me—I decided to rewatch the glorious masterpiece and rank the best guys to have on your fantasy team. Now this ranking not only takes into consideration baseball ability (scored on a 1-10 scale) but also player intangibles (scored on a 1-5 scale) because both are important for a successful fantasy team.

Let’s start at the bottom.

10. Tommy “Repeat” Timmons

Baseball ability: The only baseball action I can say for certain Tommy did the entire movie was catch a pop fly. Not exactly oozing with baseball talent. 3/10

Intangibles: Tommy is best known for repeating everything his brother Timmy says. Is this helpful? No. Is it annoying? Sure. Does it bring an added edge to your fantasy baseball team, getting under the skin of your opponent week-in and week-out? Totally. 1/5

Score: 4/15

9. Timmy Timmons

Baseball ability: Most of Timmy’s baseball highlights involve him catching the ball at first and making the right throw to home. So that’s a win. He also manages to get on base against the Tigers when the Sandlot kids just roast them. Another win. 5/10

Intangibles: You could name your fantasy team: “Shut Up Tommy”. 1/5

Score: 6/15

8. Alan “Yeah-Yeah” McClennan

Baseball ability: Yeah-Yeah gets a hit against the Tigers and can catch a ball. He’s in the same category as Timmy. 5/10

Intangibles: Yeah-Yeah boasts a lot of bravery as he’s willing to be the sacrificial lamb who’s lowered into the Beast’s domain to try and retrieve the Babe Ruth ball. That being said, he has the ball in his hands and then drops it when confronted face to face with the drool dripping monster. 2/5

Score: 7/15

7. Michael “Squints” Palledorous

Baseball ability: Squints doesn’t offer a lot of baseball ability. He’s biggest accomplishment was getting on base. Once. In the entire movie. 4/10

Intangibles: What Michael “Squints” Palledorous lacks in baseball ability he more than makes up for in intangibles. He wears his glasses in the pool (which is just adorable and ridiculous all at the same time), expertly tells the tale of the Beast and it’s imprisonment FOREVER, absolutely roasts Smalls with this scathing heckle: “It’s about time Benny, my clothes are going out of style”, and makes out with—AND THEN MARRIES—Wendy Peffercorn. I feel like that goes unnoticed by people. Squints kills himself to make out with a seemingly much older women WHO HE THEN MARRIES. On the one hand I’m impressed, on the other hand.... don’t try this at home kids. 3/5

Score: 7/15

6. Bertram Weeks

Baseball ability: I’m almost certain Weeks and Pete Wheeler from Backyard Baseball are the same person. And their game is pretty similar. Weeks knocks a double against the Tigers and then presumably gets back on base as he later steals second. Kid has got wheels and power, that’s what I like to see. 6/10

Intangibles: My absolute favorite thing about Weeks is that shortly after Smalls joins the crew, he calls Smalls a nerd despite being and looking like the biggest nerd in the park. Big points for self confidence there kid. He also can get his hands on Big Chief chewing tobacco which a) leads to arguably the greatest scene in cinema history and b) shows he’ll feel right at home in your fantasy team’s dugout. 2.5/5

Score: 8.5/15

5. Scotty Smalls

Baseball ability: Oh Smalls. Oh oh Smalls. Sure the whole movie is about him improving his baseball skills but man it’s a tough start for ol’ Scotty. He can’t catch and he certainly can’t throw. On multiple occasions he’s forced to run the ball to it’s final destination rather than throw it. Now, he does gain baseball ability—most notably knocking his step dad’s Babe Ruth signed baseball out of the park and into the Beast’s clutches—but Smalls never is what I’d call a dominate baseball talent. 4/10

Intangibles: While not knowing who Babe Ruth is is certainly embarrassing for Smalls, what I find even more embarrassing and problematic is that he doesn’t know what smores are. Like at all. Ham has to explain to him what smores are. WHAT KID DOESN’T KNOW WHAT SMORES ARE? Now this should all point to a terrible intangible score but he redeems himself by being the one kid to save Hercules when he’s trapped under the fence, which is big time intangibles if you ask me. 4.5/5

Score: 8.5/15

4. Kenny DeNunez

Baseball ability: Kenny’s pitching is interesting to track through the movie. When he’s facing off against his fellow Sandlotters, he gives up a lot of home runs and base hits. Ham crushes on of his heaters for a home run, Benny knocks a dinger off of him and even Smalls takes him yard. However, against the Tigers, Kenny throws what I can only assume is a perfect game based on the numerous strikeouts we’re shown and the lack of a single Tiger ever on base. Plus he went on to be a AAA pitcher. So, he has real baseball talent. 7.5/10

Intangibles: He wears a hat with “K”s on it. That’s pretty baller head attire for a pitcher. 2/5

Score: 9.5/15

3. Hamilton “Ham” Porter

Baseball ability: Hamilton “Ham” Porter might be the single greatest catcher of all time. While his defense is never really displayed, every time he’s up to bat in the movie, he hits a home run. He heckles Kenny and crushes a homer off of him. Against the Tigers he goes yard to start the game, casually rounding the bases. With the evidence we’re given, it’s safe to say that all Ham does is hit dingers. 8/10

Intangibles: Ham is literally the reason there is an intangible category. He is the master of the in-game heckle and single handedly made the catcher position look cool and like the badass of baseball. His list of insults includes: crap face, jerk, moron, butt sniffer, fart smeller, you play ball like a girl, pee drinking crap face, and my personal favorite, if my dog was as ugly as you, I’d shave his butt and tell him to walk backwards. Not only that, he can do a mean cannonball and knows how to flirt with the ladies. And if you’re looking for team names, there aren’t many better than “YOU’RE KILLIN ME SMALLS!” 5/5

Score: 13/15

2. The Beast

Baseball ability: The Beast is both the best outfielder in the game, catching a ball out of midair as the kids pitch the Babe Ruth ball to them across the fence, and the best pitcher in the game, bending steel and chucking it easily 40 plus feet. He’s OP. 9/10

Intangibles: Pure unadulterated intimidation. He also kills everyone that breaks into the junk yard. 5/5

Score: 14/15

1. Benjamin “Benny the Jet” Franklin Rodriguez

Baseball ability: Here are all the baseball feats that Benny accomplishes in the movie:

• Hits a deep ball right into Smalls’ outstretched mitt despite the fact that Smalls has his eyes closed
• Plays catcher
• Out runs a pick off situation between third and home
• Hits a grand slam vs Tigers
• Literally blows the guts out of a ball
• Plays outfield
• Jumps head first off a treehouse
• Manages to outrun the Beast through the entire town
• Steals home plate in a professional MLB game with the pitcher holding the ball. So basically out runs a pitch.

10/10

Intangibles: Babe Ruth literally comes back from the dead to visit Benny. 5/5

Score: 15/15

There you go. Unsurprisingly the professional baseball player is the best fantasy baseball player. That makes sense. Let me know who you’d want on your fantasy team in the comments.