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Why isn’t there a WNBA fantasy league?

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I would sure as hell play.

WNBA: Finals-Los Angeles Sparks at Minnesota Lynx Brad Rempel-USA TODAY Sports

I’m kind of at a loss why ESPN and the NBA don’t create a free-to-play WNBA fantasy league.

You know what grows a sport’s fanbase? And, like, is actually based on evidence that you can actually review? Fantasy! I know the WNBA is small right now, but you don’t think offering a free fantasy league to fans will help your league grow? Fantasy propelled profits in MLB, the NFL, and the NBA to Ridiculous Speed in the ‘00s and 2010s. Why wouldn’t it have the same effect on the WNBA? What, the ladies don’t like to play fantasy? They don’t like watching women play sports? Someone should tell UConn and USA Soccer.

Also, can we call the Women’s USA Soccer team just “The USA Soccer Team,” please? Since they, the women, can actually win soccer games, and the men’s team doesn’t win anything. Ever. Like, get real, the Women’s team are champions and have a badass, awesome history. WTF has the Men’s team ever done except Lose Big Because They’re Big Losers?

Remember when the sky fell last year because the Men’s “team” didn’t make the World Cup? The media clutched their pearls and yelled to their vengeful God who lives in the sky, Our national soccer team didn’t make it! WHAT’RE WE GONNA DO??? Except, who cares? Because the Men’s team sucks and has always sucked and will always suck until people actually punish the program by not watching and supporting them because they are, how you say, Sucky McSuckertons who suck so bad they can’t even qualify for The Actual Soccer Event That Matters. Meanwhile, The Actual USA Soccer Team continues to excel and WIN (emphasis on WIN), despite having to play on substandard fields, and get paid less than the Sucky McSuckerton Men.

Let’s just do a quick check on the numbers: the Men have been to the World Cup 10 times, and their best finish was 3rd place. In 1930. For those who don’t know, “1930” is an actual year in the long, long ago, back before World War II, the Internet, cell phones, the Civil Rights Movement and before The ‘Gram. People still rode horses in 1930. The MFing Weimar Republic was still around, y’know? Mickey Mouse had just been invented. In 1930 you could still list the cause of death as Murdered by Restless Spirits. Ghosts could testify in courts in 1930. Women had only been allowed to vote for 10 years in the United States in 1930. This was before McDonald’s. 1930 was the year of the first modern school bus. Before that, parents would just catapult their children in the general direction of a one room schoolhouse. (Just kidding, though this would have made school 100% more fun.) Anyway, the US Men’s Team had their best year during the Weimar Republic. I’d leave that out of my CV, if I were you.

Meanwhile, the Women’s team, sorry, The US National Soccer Team, has won the World Cup three times. They’ve won the Olympic Gold FOUR GODDAMN TIMES. The Men’s JV team has won an Olympic medal...let’s see...zero times. So, the National Team has 7 championships, but the Men’s JV team, sorry, men’s jv team, has zero championships, and actually zero second-place finishes, too. The men’s team has never medaled in the Olympics. And yet, they are referred to as the National Soccer Team, and the ladies are referred to as the Women’s National Soccer Team. Oh yeah, and again: paid less and forced to play on substandard surfaces.

As a Lions fan, I know it’s hard as hell to root for a team that never wins. As an American, I want our national teams to be excellent in all things, all the time, and I full on root for all of our teams in every sport. But, as a person with a brain that can perceive events and analyze data, I gotta say: the men’s jv team is garbage. I don’t want my National Team to be Loser Neverwins and His Sucky McSuckertons. I want to be repped by actual, good soccer players. And, that’s the ladies, y’all. They are demonstrably better than the men. In fact, I bet you that the best women’s team could beat the best men’s team. I guarantee you that the worst women’s team could defeat the worst men’s team.

Let’s refer to the women’s team as our “US National Team,” and the men’s team can be “The US Men’s Soccer Team.” Because the men certainly haven’t earned the honor of having no qualifier before their name. No surprise, since the men’s team usually can’t qualify to play, either.

To return to the WNBA: I will eat whatever you want if it costs more than one million American dollars to set up a WNBA fantasy league and maintain it for a season. ESPN and the NBA don’t have that kind of scratch?

And, yeah, I’m a pretty big basketball fan, and I enjoy watching women ball just as much as the dudes. The WNBA also plays a different style of game than the NBA, and than college, so it’s great! More variety is a good thing. Spice of life, yeah? So, let’s pepper this MFer up and get a WNBA fantasy league going. I mean, what else am I going to do when the NBA season is over? Not watch basketball?! Don’t be stupid.