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A definitive ranking of who not to have on your dodgeball team

If you find yourself in need of dodgeball talent, here’s who you should avoid.

NFL: Pro Bowl Skills Showdown Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

You’re the humble owner of a small gym catering towards the everyday person, the average joe if you will. However, there is a competing gym across the street—a gym with locations all over the globo, owned by a mustachioed maniac—whose sole purpose is to buy you out and turn your average gym into a swanky new parking garage. Running a gym for the average person has been your lifelong goal and you refuse to see your paradise paved into a parking lot. But you need to come into $49,953 quick in order to save your gym.

Why that amount? I don’t know, don’t ask questions.

Suddenly you spy an ad for a Dodgeball tournament which if you were to win, you’d win exactly $49,953! What are the chances!

Now, a quick look around your gym can tell you that neither you nor your average group of joes will win this tournament, even if you happened to be trained by a wheelchair bound great and had the help of a possibly lesbian softball pitcher. So, you instead decided to combine movies and invest in the Alien Power Stealing Football 5000 to steal the skills of the best athletes in the world: The players of the NFL.

If you currently find yourself in this predicament, with an Alien Power Stealing Football 5000 in your possession, here are the NFL players you should avoid when you go power hunting:

Alex Smith

A good way to get on this list is to be the first player out and that award this year goes to the lucky Alex Smith. Now maybe you could argue that we never really got to see Smith’s true dodgeball potential and that he could be worth a steal just for that reason. But alas, even if Smith is the world’s greatest dodgeballer, that does your team of joes no good if he immediately gets out.

Also Michael Thomas, what is this throw?

Might have to add you to the list already...

Derek Carr

Clearly Carr doesn’t understand the rules of dodgeball and thought he was just playing a simple game of catch with Davante Adams. He even celebrates his excellent pass right after Adams catches it. Yeeeaaaaaa not how the games played Derek.

Geno Atkins

And here’s yet another example of why I don’t employ the “run for the ball” strategy when I play dodgeball. Atkins just got ROCKED here making the mistake of running for the balls. Honestly though I can’t really blame him for this. If he’d managed to move all 6-foot-1, 300 pounds of himself out of the way in that short a timeframe, he would’ve rocked to the top of worthwhile talent to steal. Instead, he resides here. To Geno Atkins! Dilly, dilly!

Basically the entire AFC

I believe by my calculations that is two to what looks like six. Most of the AFC seemingly took a very timid approach to the game and were not challenging the NFC while the National Football Conference just ran game on the American Football Conference, picking off their players with relative ease. In fact, I have yet to even include a NFC member on this list because they have been so superior in this game.

Maybe that’ll change...

Ryan Kerrigan

And just like that, here’s an NFC player.

Kerrigan had a chance to really put the AFC in a hole, knocking out Jarvis Landry and leaving just Kareem Hunt to get out. He caught Landry’s ball which was an impressive play but failed to hold onto his own ball. Sorry, but in this dodgeball game for my life, I don’t want people who can’t perform under pressure and make the big plays. Get outta here Ryan.

So, after this deep dive into the analytics of NFL players’ dodgeball skills, whose talents are worth stealing?

Only one man’s.