I’M BACK! The Novice you all know and love, back to create another thrilling lineup just to watch every single member of your team perform well, well below par. All except for Mookie Betts of course who single handedly got my half my points last week. Love you Mook. Needless to say, I did not win any cash last week. Let’s do it again!
For those who don’t know what this column is, it’s basically me and my limited knowledge of baseball putting together a FanDuel lineup based on just random thoughts I have and names that I recognize and see how I do. It’s for fun.
I’ve been inspired this week instead of just randomly crafting a team with some ho-hum reasoning behind each pick, I’m going to work on a full piece of art. The entire lineup will be my masterpiece and I will be it’s painter. The masterpiece? Building the greatest boy band IN THE WORLD! Suck it Jonas Brothers/NSYNC/Backstreet Boys/One Direction/Simon & Garfunkel.
I introduce to you, the one and only Ba$eBoyz:
Justin Verlander - lead vocals, face of the band.
I see Verlander as the Adam Levine of Ba$eBoyz. He’s the only member of the band, along with AJ Smooth of course, anyone can name but that’s only because he’s a relentless self promoter. His relationship with the band clearly is tested over the years and eventually he will break of to form a Sonny and Cher duo group with Kate Upton. It won’t be successful.
Adam “AJ Smooth” Jones - lead vocals.
The band is clearly built around AJ Smooth and Verlander. While Verlander may have the face of the band, Jones is what makes the Ba$eBoyz great. He has the falsetto that makes the women and men go crazy and can hit the highest of notes and just sit there for hours. He also brings a savvy elegance to the band that Verlander just can’t match. There will be fights between these two guys as to who is truly the leader of the band.
Aaron “The Judge” Judge - backup vocals, saxophonist, goofy giant.
Aaron’s role on the band is a simple one: he’s the big goof in the background that you never really take seriously in the band until he whips out his saxophone and just rips the most filthy sax solo all over the stage. He also will be too big to dance hence why he needs to have a musical instrument to tout around.
Matt “Magic Carpet” Carpenter - backup vocals.
Carpenter will play the older, wiser role in Ba$eBoyz, keeping the younger frontmen in line, all while cooing in the background in a deep baritone. Plus, he has the the brooding, heavy eyebrows look which every boy band has one. He’s this group’s Kevin Richardson or Joey Fatone.
Charlie “Lumberjack” Blackmon - sex appeal.
Blackmon has one role on Ba$eBoyz: to be the mysterious wild man who the ladies go crazy for. He’s the one in the breakdowns who will come onto stage and whisper things like “Hey girl, I see you in the front row” while Justin Verlander coos in the background. He’ll also be contractually obligated to wear sleeveless, unbuttoned flannels.
Freddy “Freddy G” Galvis - back up vocals, honorary rapper.
You know every boy band has at least one song each album where they have a rap verse and it just doesn’t ever sound good. Well, Freddy G—cleverly playing on the famous and The Judge’s idol Kenny G—plays that role perfectly for the band. And by perfectly, I mean actually perfectly in that he carries those songs because he actually has great flow and is the common pick for favorite person in Ba$eBoyz for those few fans who can name two of their albums.
Tyler “Stache” Saladino - backup backup vocals.
Saladino is the guy who you when you look at a band photo, you’re like “oh shit I totally forgot he is apart of Ba$eBoyz”. His mustache is amazing and he will be remembered in music history for that, but not much more. He’s really on the band just for the wow factor.
Tuffy “Tuff” Gosewisch - band manager.
I mean, how can anyone say no to a guy named Tuffy? You can’t! And old Tuff uses that to his advantage when booking the band gigs.
Giovanny “The New Guy” Urshela - the new guy.
I think I’ve formed a pretty great band here if I do say so myself. There will be plenty of jockeying behind the scenes between Verlander and AJ Smooth as to who exactly is the face of Ba$eBoyz, all while the world knows it’s all about Lumberjack.
Once the band falls apart, as boy bands do, Freddy G, Lumberjack and The Judge will go on to form a rapping Ska band called Love & Sax which will become far bigger than Ba$eBoyz ever was. AJ Smooth will go into acting while Verlander’s career will stutter to a screeching halt after hosting The Talent for way too many years. Stache will become a professional model and Tuff will be his manager. Magic Carpet will happily retire and The New Guy will be still the new guy.
Stay tuned for Ba$eBoyz first albums hitting stores soon.
Until next week!