What to expect from Aaron Rodgers in his return

In case you’re Patrick Star or you got knocked out of the fantasy playoffs and thus don’t care about anything anymore or you just simply missed it, Aaron Rodgers is coming back and has been cleared to play in Week 15 against the Carolina Panthers.

The sound you just heard was the collective screams of pleasure and delight from the entire city of Green Bay.

So, now that that passer of the touchdowns, scorer of the points, and all around fantasy God Aaron Rodgers has returned to the football world, many are wondering what we can expect from him. It’s a fair question to ask as Rodgers is returning from a broken collarbone and hasn’t thrown a football—or, more importantly, taken a hit—in quite some time. What will his first throw look like? How will he move in the pocket? Will he finally return Jordy Nelson to fantasy relevance or will Davante Adams continue to prove himself the better receiver?

I’ve taken it upon myself to answer these questions and more by giving you the definitive power ranking the most likely outcomes of Rodgers’ very first snap against the Panthers, starting at the bottom:

Number 10

Rodgers on his very first pass attempt throws the ball directly into the hands of Panthers’ linebacker Thomas Davis who rumbles his way for the pick-6. As Rodgers walks to the sidelines pissed off and stewing, Brett Hundley approaches him and whispers in his ear, “sucks to suck”.

Number 9

Rodgers gets the ball under center, turns around and hands it off to Jamaal Williams who rumbles forward for three yards. Mike McCarthy proudly smiles and pats himself on the back on the sideline because he made the “right” playcall and didn’t put his quarterback at risk.

Number 8

Rodgers takes the snap and throws a quick slant to Randall Cobb.

Number 7

The Packers come out in the I-formation. Rodgers takes the snap from under center, fools Julius Peppers who came charging into the backfield with a filthy play action and floats a beauty of a throw into the outstretched hands of Jordy Nelson who toe taps the sidelines and the whole world remembers that Jordy is actually pretty good at this whole football thing.

Number 6

At the line, Rodgers barks out orders to his offensive line tell them to make sure to pick up a blitzing Luke Kuechly. However, unbenounced to Rodgers, all of Green Bay has fallen for the young, albeit inconsistent, Hundley and would much rather see him under center. Center Corey Linsley and guard Lane Taylor taken it upon themselves to fix this wrong and knowingly nod at each other and as soon as the ball is snapped, let Kuechly blow past them with a clear shot at Rodgers. Aaron is too busy looking down field to notice the blitzing Kuechly until it’s too late. The last thing Rodgers sees before being taken to the ground is Linsley and Taylor bumping fists and from the sideline Hundley stepping back onto the field amidst a standing ovation from the crowd. “Et tu Linsley?”, Rodgers manages to mutter to himself before he sees his career in green go up in smoke.

Number 5

Rodgers takes the snap, turns into a dragon and flies the ball into the endzone, burning the Panthers and everything in his path. In doing so, he scores a ridiculous 106 fantasy points: six for the touchdown, 50 for destroying an army and 50 for killing from atop a dragon.

Number 4

As it’s Rodgers’ first game back in quite sometime, the Rodgers household—the Mr. and Mrs. along with Jordan and Luke—decide it would be nice to be in Carolina to watch the game, no matter how distant Aaron may be to them. They make a big sign saying “WE LOVE YOU AARON XOXO Mom, Dad, Jor and Lukey” (after all those are the names Aaron calls his brothers). Fast forward to the Packers’ first offensive possession and as Rodgers lines up to take the snap, he sees the sign from the field and he sees his mother, father and brothers and is touched at their kindness to come and watch this game. He realizes that grudges are meant to be broken and that this is a sign of love and faith from his family. Forgetting where he is and with dramatic music swelling in his ears, he screams “MOTHER I LOVE YOU TOO!” completely forgetting that this is the snap count. But he doesn’t care. He runs to his parents, making his way untouched through the football chaos that surrounds him as both teams scramble madly to recover the now loose ball sitting at the 20 yard line. Spoiler alert: the Packers don’t recover the fumble, but Rodgers does recover something much more important than that: his family.

Number 3

EXT. BANK OF AMERICA STADIUM

Aaron Rodgers and the Packers are in a huddle, preparing for the first play of the game. Rodgers is in the midst of a pump up speech.

RODGERS: I’m back. I’m here to take care of business. I hope you’re ready for what I’m bringing. It’s going to be big this time. Let’s go!

NARRATOR: State Farms knows that for everyone of those moments, there’s one of these.

CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM

Aaron Rodgers is in the midst of a staring contest with his porcelain throne.

RODGERS: I’m back. I’m here to take care of business. I hope you’re ready for what I’m bringing. It’s going to be big this time. Let’s go!

CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN

There’s grunting and groaning coming from the bathroom. Clay Matthews walks past the kitchen counter.

MATTHEWS: Oh sweet, leftover Chinese food.

Number 2

Rodgers takes the snap and steps back into the pocket looking downfield. Sure, the play call is a short curl route by Richard Rodgers but Aaron don’t play like that. Aaron’s been cooped up in a hospital for the last few months and wants to just rip it. Suddenly, Mario Addison rips around David Bakhtiari and comes bearing down on Rodgers. Out of the corner of his eye, Rodgers sees this and employs a perfectly timed spin move leaving Addison lunging at thin air. But Rodgers isn’t out of danger quite yet. Not by a long shot. Peppers has also managed to get free by this time and has already launched himself at Rodgers’ ankles, hoping sweep the legs. But no one sweeps the legs of Aaron Rodgers. Effortlessly, Rodgers hurdles over the diving Peppers and, while in midair, does a 360 spin to avoid the blitzing Mike Adams. He then lands, on top of Peppers and Adams, both of whom are lying in a demoralized heap on the ground, steps back and uncorks a 80 yard bomb to a triple teamed Davante Adams. All Adams has to do is put his hands in the air as the ball perfect avoids all three cornerbacks surrounding him and falls cleanly into his bread basket as he tumbles into the end zone. Joe Buck and Troy Aikman collectively climax in the booth.

Number 1

The NFL is a better place with Aaron Rodgers in it.