clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Accepting Deshaun Watson’s injury in 22 easy steps

Step One: Read this article

NFL: Houston Texans at Seattle Seahawks Joe Nicholson-USA TODAY Sports

Just FYI, Game of Thrones spoilers ahead, but really you should’ve seen this by now.


STEP TWO: No, I really mean cry.

STEP THREE: Really let the tears out.

STEP FOUR: Curse the Football Gods through tears.

STEP FIVE: Quickly dab your eyes as your mom walks past you so she doesn’t see her little kid is sad.

STEP SIX: Reconsider Step Five because you remember that the last few times your mom has seen you really cry she’s been nothing but kind, loving and supportive. Like, remember when you were 5 years old and you fell off the swing. She let you have candy that time. Or when you were 10 and bullies made fun of your braces. That was the best hot chocolate you’ve ever had. Or remember when Hodor was both ripped apart by zombies to save Bran while also witnessing this traumatic event as a child causing him to only repeat the words “Hold the door” (Ho-Dor) for the rest of his life, until of course he’s killed by a bunch of zombies? Yea, your mom wasn’t as supportive on that one but still, she said she was sorry. It kinda sounded like she meant.

STEP SEVEN: Your mom is well passed you by now so there’s no point in turning back on the water works. Missed opportunity.

STEP EIGHT: Make yourself a snack. Food is always helps dry the tears.

STEP NINE: There’s no deli ham because your older brother Dave took it all to feed his pitbull Pitbull. God Dave’s the worst.

STEP TEN: Wonder what would ever possess someone to name their pitbull Pitbull.

STEP ELEVEN: Curse the Snack Gods for this disaster, which of course reminds you to curse the Fantasy Gods again for ruining your fantasy team.

STEP TWELVE: Wallow in self pity as you were in the midst of making a miraculous comeback in your league and had a real shot at playoff success all thanks to Deshaun Watson and now you just don’t know what to do with yourself and it’s just not fair!

STEP THIRTEEN: Reconsider Step Eleven and Twelve because it’s at this time you kindly remind yourself that while it’s easy to forget this, NFL players are people too and Deshaun Watson just tore his ACL in practice amidst one of the greatest rookie seasons we’ve seen from a quarterback. I’m sure he will have a full recovery and let’s hope that he’ll be able to return to play football, but more than that, let’s hope he won’t have any complications and he’ll be a healthy person soon. We’ve seen plenty of injuries crop up recently that have been not only career changing but life changing. Teddy Bridgewater is just now recovering from his knee injury two years ago and Andrew Luck still hasn’t recovered from a shoulder tear three years ago. Zach Miller almost lost his leg do to a knee dislocation. Yes it sucks for your make believe team that no one cares about, but it’s important to remember that these players deserve our support and thoughts not our anger over a fake game.

STEP FOURTEEN: But the Football Gods can take all the anger you can muster because they aren’t real people. DAMN YOU FOOTBALL GODS!

STEP FIFTEEN: Give your last, full bodied cry and hope your mom passes while it happens because you could really use a hug right about now.

STEP SIXTEEN: She doesn’t. Instead Dave walks by. F*cking Dave.

STEP SEVENTEEN: At this point you’ve accepted your fate and recognized that ultimately this imaginary game that you fill your time with is just a distraction from your life which clearly not been going exactly as you thought it would be as you’re living with your parents, still being bullied by your older brother and haven’t had a partner in way too many—

STEP EIGHTEEN: Table that thought process. It’s taking you down a dark rabbit hole.

STEP NINETEEN: Decide to go down a different rabbit hole and watch Alice in Wonderland. But not the weird Johnny Depp one. The animated Disney classic. Which isn’t any less weird but at least it doesn’t have an oddly proportioned Johnny Depp in it.

STEP TWENTY: As Alice is falling down the hole, surrounded by clocks, check the waiver wire on your phone. You guess Eli Manning isn’t that bad. Or what about Blake Bortles? He at least throws it a lot. Maybe take a flier on Teddy Bridgewater?

STEP TWENTY ONE: You put your phone away. It’s not the end of the world. You’ll survive. Plus, there’s a guy in your league who has yet to win a game and will almost certainly take last place in your league and have to do something stupid. So that’s something to look forward too. Maybe you’ll make him watch Alice in Wonderland.

STEP TWENTY TWO: Wait, why the f*ck are you watching Alice in Wonderland?