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Fantasy Basketball: Week 1 results

Dennis Schroeder is averaging 23 points per game and could be gunning for Most Improved.

Atlanta Hawks v Dallas Mavericks Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

After one week (well, since Tuesday of last week, really) here are the 33 players who average 20 points or more (from least to most):

33) Kentavious Caldwell-Pope (20 points)

32) Kyrie

31) Goran Dragic

30) DeChozan

29) Klay Thompson

28) Myles Turner

27) D’Angelo Russell

26) Paul George

25) Big KAT

24) Victor Oladipo

23) Eric Gordon

22) Dennis Schröder: Herr Schröder is averaging 23 points, 7 assists, and 3 rebounds per game. His scoring and passing have improved each year he’s been in the league, and his numbers this year reflect that; his shooting percentage has been lower than his norm, though, so his scoring will most likely improve. He might be going for Most Improved Player this year. Let’s say a few more of his threes had dropped (he’s shooting 11% from outside), and Schröder was scoring 25 points with 7 assists; you know who else is doing that right now? Kemba Fudging Walker. You know who had 25 and 6 last season? Kyrie Fudging Irving. People know that Herr Schröder is a (good) starting point guard, but I don’t think people consider him to be on the same level as those two guys. We may have to reconsider if zee German keeps this up, though. Also, you know what it says on Schröder’s player page? In the “prior” section, wherein you generally find a player’s college and home country, it reads “Germany/Germany.” Now THAT is useful information. Great job, Keep up the good work.)

21) Melo: hoodie variant; I guess hipster NY affected Carmelo more than we thought. Does he like Grizzly Bear and sample sales, too? Does he complain about Santa-Con and rave about mini cupcakes and he can’t wait for Whole Foods to start delivering via Amazon? Does he constantly, JUST CONSTANTLY, confuse Chelsea Piers with Piers 25 and 26? Did you know that Chelsea Piers is also Pier #62? Do you know why people do this? It’s like confusing Kips Bay and Battery Park, they’re two completely different parts of the city, sorry, ugh!, “The City!” Also, why does the mayor, Bill de Blasio, hate parks? Like, what’s to get? It’s a park on an elevated ex-subway track; it’s out of the ordinary and by the water and you get a cool view. What exactly aren’t you understanding? I find this to be an incredible red flag. What else doesn’t he understand as being “cool,” y’know? He doesn’t like the Yankees, either. Weird dude, man. Does he hate pizza? Is he anti-islands? Does he hate all metropolises? I don’t get it. Who hates on parks?

20) Kevin Durant

19) Maestro Damian Lillard

18) Marc Gasol aka Big Spain: I love Memphis, I love the Grizzlies, and I love David Fizdale. This team will make the playoffs again, Chandler “Bro Stripper” Parsons will incredibly recover and become a useful player again, and they might even make a trade for someone crazy, like Aaron Gordon or something. I LOVE THIS TEAM, HOW DO THEY DO IT?!

17) Tobias Harris: The Pistons have a positive point differential. I think I’m going to throw up from sheer lack of familiarity. What is this alien emotion? How does one process anti-despair? Is this feeling the onset of lunacy or a recognition of fact? Unclear. But, given all one has already suffered from one’s deviant pathology of being a godforsaken Pistons fan, one must wonder: what is left but to embrace the madness?

16) Andrew Wiggins

15) The King (averaging 25 points)

14) Bradley “Kind of a Big” Beal

13) Kemba Walker

12) Hassan Whiteside

11) LaMarcus Aldridge

10) CJ McCollum

9) Dr. John Wall

8) Nikola Vucevic

7) James Harden

6) Boogie Cousins, One Of The 5 Best Players In The NBA

5) Steph Curry

4) Blake Griffin

3) Anthony Davis (averaging 30 points)

2) Kristaps Porzingis, who Phil tried to trade

1) Giannis

Now, is all this going to change? Probably, yeah. But, can I point somthing out real quick? Five of those 33 players are, or were at some point, on the Thunder. Russell Westbrook, who’s averaging 19 points and who is basically averaging a triple-double AGAIN, is also, duh, a Thunder player. So, 6 of the top 34 players are or were on the Thunder. I find that interesting. This team really needs to justify its existence by winning a title. They’ve had more good players come through there, including Serge Ibaka, than every other non-Cleveland/non-Golden State team. It’s crazy how much talent they’ve had and still have and will probably end up losing. At the end of the day, it’ll just be Steven Adams and Russ, right?

Anyway, here’s some other tidbits from the first week of games:

  • Danilo Gallinari has the 2nd best plus/minus right now; he’s also taking 7 threes a game.
  • James Harden, Steph Curry, Paul George, and JUSTIN HOLIDAY are all shooting at least 10 threes a game.
  • Herr Schroeder, Kristaps the Unicorn (who Phil tried to trade), Aldridge, Giannis, and Melo are taking the most shots so far.
  • LeBron is averaging 37 minutes a game. Why?
  • Joe Ingles has the best true shooting percentage (84.6) of all players who average at least 30 minutes.
  • Myles Turner and Lonzo Ball have the two highest paces for players who average at least 30 minutes.
  • Giannis and Boogie (dream pairing) are tied with the two highest usage rates for players who average at least 30 minutes.
  • The Clippers, the Raptors and the Spurs are the three best defenses thus far.
  • The Warriors, the Thunder and the Grizzlies (?!?!?!) have the three most fast break points, while the Hornets, Cavs and Knicks have the fewest.
  • Houston has 3 wins and no losses; Dallas, Philly and Phoenix have 3 losses and no wins.
  • The Clippers and the Raptors have the best point differentials in their respective conferences.
  • Jerryd Bayless, my best, and perhaps only, point guard is...doing pretty well, actually, thanks for asking! He’s scoring, he’s sinking some threes, he is NOT dishing out dimes but whatevs, and everyone’s hating on Markelle Fultz (who is maybe secretly injured?), so Bayless might be due to get some run as the starter for a while.

After one week, the author’s fantasy team is at 10-2-0 on the season. We’ll keep you updated whether you want us to or not.