A Fantasy Baseball Resumé

Some co-workers and I were discussing resumés the other day, and started throwing around the idea of making a resumé based on our fantasy baseball experience, but making it look like a legitimate business resumé. We had some fun with it, so I thought, what the heck, I’ll turn it into a post on this wonderful website. Feel free to contribute your own additions in the comments, there is lots to work with here. Without further delay, here is a fantasy baseball player’s resumé.

Objective: To become the best manager in my organization by producing results superior to the other managers, as judged by September annual performance reviews.

Education:

B.S.F.B. Fake Teams University, 2014-16, double majored in OBP and Quality Starts

Associate’s Degree in Advanced Baseball Statistics, Fangraphs College, 2013, with a focus on utilizing swinging strike rate in evaluations

B.S. Biology, Stanford University

Work Experience:

Commissioner, ABC Corp HR department fantasy league, 2014-2016

Served as commissioner and manager. Had the best performance reviews in the September review period in both 2012 and 2015. Managed a team composed of a diverse group of millionaires. This involved daily decision making on how to deploy each member of the team for optimum team success. Solved disputes among other managers in matters of negotiations. Was responsible for collecting all revenue from managers and dispersing bonuses at the end of the year. When necessary, removed poorly performing, uncooperative managers from the organization and recruited their replacements. Presided over changes to organization bylaws, policies, and rules in an annual review. Utilized research, data analysis, expert insight, and mathematics to inform decision making on which of my team members to deploy on a given day and which ones to recruit to join my team.

It should be noted that I never once had a complaint from one of my team members about my management. My team always had more wins than losses. The other managers would occasionally have disputes with me, but I was able to resolve them using witty comebacks on the organization’s message board and via email. Some of the most difficult team members to manage were what we called “the closers”. These guys’ performance would sway wildly from day to day and week to week. Needless to say, there was a significant amount of turnover with them. Most of them were basically temp employees, though some emerged as stable long-term employees, like a young man named Craig Kimbrel and a Cuban immigrant named Aroldis Chapman. They were exceptional employees, although I did have to suspend Chapman for some serious personal issues this year. His replacement, Andrew Miller, filled in very well and I wish I had a long term role for him on my team.

Manager, Springfield Home League, 2008-2014

Acquired talented team members through an aggressive bidding war with other managers. Paid top dollar for the most promising individuals. Signed multi-year agreements with team members. Hired interns to gain valuable experience while watching the veteran team members, with the intent that the interns would one day take their places after more seasoning. Some of these interns did not reach their potential, but careful scouting and studying of their work as interns led to many successes.

I identified two unique talents that stood out from the others in Michael Trout and Bryce Harper. These two young men showed great promise during their short internships with me and were quickly promoted to the team. In order to make room for these two, I had to let go of two of my best veteran performers who were getting long in the tooth: Carlos Beltran and Alfonso Soriano.

I made sure that all my employees were well cared for when sick or hurt, giving them a minimum of 15 days off. I was particularly careful with elbow injuries requiring surgery, giving my team members over a year off. During this time, I hired replacements but often gave the job back to the original team member when he was healthy again.

Cashier, Blockbuster Video 2006-2008

Handled dozens of cash and credit transactions daily. Restocked store shelves, took inventory, answered customer questions, handled complaints about damaged video discs,...I just thought I would throw in some real ones for funsies.

Organizations:

Member of SB Nation, Over the Monster, and Beyond the Boxscore Communities

Contributing member of Fangraphs.com

Occasional commenter on FakeTeams.com articles

Member of AL-only and NL-only organizations

Freemason

ESPN Insider

Skills:

Freelance sabremetrician

Team management: both in daily and weekly-meeting organizations

Negotiations, acquisitions, and mergers

Long term investments

Employee evaluations

Data entry

Talent identifier and recruiter

Conflict resolution

Fluent in Hungarian

Message board posting, name calling, good-natured harassment

Revenue collection and bonus dispersal

Willing to work nights and weekends, utilizing mobile devices to check on team performance regularly, sometimes 20 times per night

Willing to work for little to no pay if performance does not meet expectations

Multitasking: am able to manage my team while also “performing” another job, like engineering, banking, retail, or finance