I knew it. Of course, we all should have known it. You are going to pitch this bad all year, aren't you? We fell for it again. Your boy Theo comes in saying he wants to win, gets a great manager in Joe Maddon and signs the hottest pitcher on the market. We were all excited. Shame on us.
Your contract is going to look worse than Soriano's when we are all done. Just take a look at your first two outings. Nine earned runs in 10.1 innings pitched. That's pitiful. You are turning into a smaller Sean Marshall. You would be 0-2 on the year had it not been for your offense bailing you out last night.
Listen, we understand. You saw the money signs and ability to pitch in the National League and said to yourself, "Jackpot!" We get it. It's hard to blame you. You didn't want to cave in to the powers-to-be at Fenway. You have pride. Awesome. However, it would be great if that pride came with some actual pitching. You know? The thing you are getting all that money for? That's what we want.
I'm trying to come up with excuses for your poor performance. So far, this is what I have:
- the lack of bleachers in the outfield is a spooky sight
- you are still trying to get used to Chicago deep dish instead of the thin (and better) pizza they serve everywhere else in the country
- Joe Maddon's short shorts has sent you to therapy
- you spent the entire time in spring training trying to learn how to spell Arismendy Alcantara
- - you have been working on your pickoff move to first base - Starlin Castro told you the first three months of the season doesn't matter
- David Ortiz keeps you up late at night with phone calls detailing his at-bats
- you are really worried about whether or not the same Patrick Kane will come back and help lead the Blackhawks to another Stanley Cup.
That's it. That is all I have. If you can think of something better, feel free to let me know. Otherwise, I am going to start skipping the games you pitch like I used to with Shawn Boskie. (Somewhere, Boskie is excited that someone even remembers him pitching for the Cubs.)
We know you can do better. It is why you got all that cash money, yo! Now, we need to see it. Otherwise, you will become yet another player that forgot how to play the game of baseball once he put on the Cub uniform. (Hi, Juan Pierre!)
Your Biggest Fan Once You Start Pitching Well