Gordon Beckham - Let's just start with your name. It sounds like a character from the 80's that is played by Michael J. Fox. You know the ones. He thinks he is better and smarter than everyone else despite the fact he went to Kansas State or a small college in Ohio. Oh, it doesn't matter where he moves to, either. Moves from Kansas to New York City? Obviously he is brighter than all those people who have been working on Wall Street for years. I mean, they just can't see the BIG picture. He's a hot young doctor that is moving to Beverly Hills but is stuck in a small town? Yep, he knows better than all those "small-town bumpkins" where he has to now work. Somehow travels back in time to the 1950s and makes fun of everyone for not knowing that a vest is stylish in the 80s? It hasn't been invented yet, you pompous ass. You are the worst, Gordon J. Fox Beckham!
Nick Swisher - Has anyone ever told you your antics are annoying? Have you ever been checked out for attention deficit disorder? Has a teammate ever punched you right in the face and said, "DUDE! We get it! You are the WACKY one! Now stop it!"? I really hope so. I once spent an entire Yankees game watching what you did in-between pitches. You know what I discovered? You are just like the average right fielder on a Little League team. You get distracted easily, constantly have to wave at what I guess are your friends and do everything except follow the action on....OOOOH, LOOK! THAT DOG HAS A PUFFY TAIL!
Buck Farmer - Full Disclosure: I have no idea who you are, but I just LOVE your name. You have, by far, the best name on the Tigers. That even includes your fellow pitcher Al Albuquerque. (Note: I have a theory that Albuquerque was originally supposed to be the captain of New Mexico, but no one knew how to spell it.) Well, your name is awesome, but what of your MLB career stats? Yeah, those aren't as awesome. Four appearances. Two games started. Nine innings pitched. 12 HITS! 12 EARNED RUNS!!!!! Let's face it, Buck: your parents named you because you were supposed to be a porn star, not a pitcher. Embrace it!
Sure, they made the World Series last year and came close to winning it, but I don't have the energy to call any Royal a loser. Well, except George Brett, but only because he inspired that Lorde song "Royals". I say we rescind his place in the Hall of Fame just based on that.
Torii Hunter - Poor Torii. Still holding onto your prehistoric notions. You are coming out saying things that are just outdated and false. I actually feel sorry for him. The fact that he is a role model for so many kids and is trying to impose his will on them. Just a bad act by Mr. Hunter. Oh, I'm not talking about his views on homosexuality. No, no. I am talking about how he feels that even at age 40 he can still be a productive and useful MLB player whose career hasn't started going downhill whatsoever.