Oh, the pitiful Braves. I could write a column on about 20 of them. Good thing they are getting rid of that old ballpark in Turner Field and moving to the suburbs of Cobb County. Luckily, I already penned my disgust for Mike Minor, so the rest of you Cobb County Chokers are spared.
Let's face it: playing for the Marlins is the equivalent of playing for the Rockford Peaches before guys started saying to themselves, "Oh, LOOK! She made a catch while doing a split! Maybe we should start coming to games and support them!" (Dumbest part of that movie, by far.) Hey, did you know Ichiro is now a Marlin? That will definitely bring in the huge Japanese population that South Florida is well known for! Ichiro, by all accounts, is both extremely weird AND a jerk at the same time. That is a great combination to have. How has he spent 14 years in the U.S.A. and STILL doesn't know English? That seems almost impossible. Once he retires, I hope that he and Hideki Matsui get together and enjoy their endless vaults of anime porn.
I had nothing against David Wright in all his years as a Met UNTIL they started pushing him as the "Face of Baseball". David Wright? Face of baseball? That's like Joe Flacco being the face of the NFL. (Well, except Flacco is clutch every now and then, unlike Mr. Wright.) I get that he is the face of the Mets, a good player and a good-looking, clean-cut guy, but stop trying to push him on us as if he is the most recognizable face in MLB today. There are many players ahead of him that deserve that "title", most notably Buster Posey. Oh, and wake me up when Wright hits a home run that actually matters in a game.
Chase Utley - Listen, Mr. Utley. Let me tell you something that you might not realize. You will NEVER be as good as a second baseman as your manager. You might think you are all high and mighty with your soul patch, left-handed batting stance and pet snake collection (just a guess), but Ryne Sandberg is and always will be the king of the 4-spot on the field. Your teammates have had a habit of trying to beef with Mr. Sandberg? You all better get your sh*t together. YOU ARE SPEAKING TO RYNE F*^%*NG SANDBERG!!! His biceps have muscles! He is such a good-looking man that Brad Pitt hangs his head in shame in his presence. Listen to him, Utley, or I will find you and I will hurt you. (Not really. But seriously, please give Ryno a hug for me!)
Bryce Harper - BRO! What's the haps, dude? Just chillin? Yeah, me too. I totally took this skank home from the bar last night that was TOTALLY ready for the Stultzinator. She was so hot, bro! She had this tat that said "Uptown Funk" in Japanese. It was so wicked. Yo, me and the boys are having some brews over at some bars in Georgetowntonight. We be trying to pull a train on that Janine ho-bag. You KNOOOOWWWW she likes it rough. Dude, I gotta run. This bitch be all beefing with me after finding my SnapChat. Bro out! (This is how you sound, Bryce. This is exactly how you sound.)