Adam Jones - I suppose you are a good player, but are we supposed to forget all of your past troubles? Are we supposed to forgive you for shooting up a nightclub? Sure, you got a new start in Baltimore in a new sport, but that doesn't mean the name Pac...(being talked to by editor.) OHHH, you're not THAT Adam Jones. Phew, I was worried. I thought Baltimore might start having a crime problem if that Adam Jones moved to town. Pretty, low-crime rate Baltimore. What a beautiful place to live. It doesn't matter what area of the city you choose to live in, it is ALL nice and not dangerous at all. Hey, look! Kevin Costner is sleeping with another Orioles player's wife.
David Ortiz - How do I say this without being rude? Let me see. Okay, got it. You are a complete ass-hat who thinks everything is now owed to him. PED charges? MLB must have screwed up. Whining about your contract every single year? That is definitely the Red Sox' fault. Not running out groundouts or fly balls while criticizing teammates for doing the same? Screw them! Taking three hours to round the bases after staring at your homerun for 30 seconds? It's okay as long as you are doing it. We get it. We really do. You think you are above everyone and everything. You disgust me.
Mark Teixeira - Just read my thoughts about him from a couple months ago.
I have no idea. I mean, I guess David DeJesus. He used to be on the Cubs, right? I only ask because he made no impact whatsoever other than having a hot wife whom, I guess, has left him for Evan Longoria now that they have met. You lost your manager, your best pitcher and live in Tampa. I can't hate you that much, I suppose. People in Tampa still worship Mike Alstott, which is strange. You know whom else lives in Tampa? Five-chin Paul Azinger, who to this day still thinks Tiger Woods is the best golfer to ever grace our lucky souls. God, Tampa is a horrible place.
Jose Reyes - You might want to sit down, Jose. No, seriously. I'm worried. You are more fragile than David Ortiz's ego. You know what I admire about you, though? It is your ability to lead off a game with a home run, and then do nothing for the rest of the game. That is something special. You have all your handshakes down for that leadoff homer and then you commit two errors, strike out three times and your team loses 7-1. That one home run you hit, though? That was amazing! You should give yourself another 15-day DL visit as a reward!