It was popular last year, so, just like the Fast and the Furious movie series, we are going to run MY bold, fearless and insane predictions into the ground! No, but really, last year I gave you 105 predictions, but this year, in honor of my Cubs not winning the World Series once again, I give you:
106 (one for every year since my beloved Cubs have won the World Series) BOLD, FEARLESS AND INSANE MLB PREDICTIONS!
1. Mike Trout will continue to be awesome, winning the MVP award for the second straight season.
2. Fellow Angels will tire of the Trout praise, ending with Pujols introducing him to Josh Hamilton's "partner".
3. Coach Mike Scioscia will finally accept his popularity in the bear community and appear in a five-part series called "Coaches in Jocks".
4. Pujols, who is 47 years old by now, will have a great two months to start the season before ultimately falling short of 20 home runs and batting less than .300.
5. Announcers will continue to bring up the movie Moneyball anytime the Athletics appear in highlights.
6. No seriously, did you know that the Athletics had a movie about them called Moneyball? It even had Brad Pitt in it. Oh, and it was awful.
7. Sam Fuld and Billy Butler will break out into a fight in the dugout over which player least deserves to be in the majors.
8. Sonny Gray wins 16 games. Headline writers will have a field day with his name.
9. The Astros will win less home games than the amount of panhandlers you run into walking into a downtown Houston CVS.
10. Chris Carter will hit more than 40 home runs, none of which will be memorable.
11. Prince Fielder will lead the Rangers in home runs (more than 45) and RBIs (more than 110).
12. Former President George W. Bush will throw out a strike for a first pitch, bringing democracy to Syria and ended the threat of ISIS.
13. The Rangers' powers-to-be will reminisce about that time they had a guy addicted to cocaine in charge of their team.
14. Nelson Cruz hits less than 30 home runs after hitting 40 last season.
16. They will then claim this became a tradition after Kurt Cobain shot himself.
17. The Angels win the division by 3 games over the Rangers. The A's will get the wildcard.
18. Coming off three World Series wins in five years, manager Bruce Bochy will decide to start drinking during games, batting his pitcher third and doing everything except streak the field to see if the Giants organization would even dare fire him.
19. Tim Hudson, the fine Auburn man he is, will retire in glory after striking out all 27 batters in a performance not seen since The Scout.
20. Buster Posey will continue to be Mr. Dependable (my nickname for him) as he hits 30 or more home runs, bats .330 or above and gets the cheerleader in the end.
21. Hunter Pence will finally let his guard down and admit that yes, he is from another planet where all people are just as awkward as him.
22. Troy Tulowitzki will start realizing that, as long as he is in Colorado, no one will pay attention to him despite how many home runs he puts up or great defensive plays he makes.
23. Infielder Cristhian Adames will explain that his parents were on acid when filling out his birth certificate.
24. Pitchers Rex Brothers and Brooks Brown will combine to form the Brooks Brothers Call to the Pen.
25. Speaking of Brooks Brothers, Padres' manager Bud Black will realize that he has been wasting his time as a baseball manager and should be the face of every clothing line that is trying to appeal to WASPs that visit Nantucket.
26. He's a good-looking older man, that's all I am trying to say.
27. The Padres will come to regret the fact that they only have one catcher listed on their active roster.
28. Matt Kemp will struggle during the first two months, leading Padres' die-hards (all five of them) to question his effort.
29. Our editor Ray, undeterred by his failed efforts to become friends with Clayton Kershaw last year, will finally earn his first restraining order after breaking into the team hotel during the Dodgers' trip to Philadelphia.
30. Yasel Puig, having a great year, will end his season after meeting Scott Van Slyke's father, Andy, who is an asshole, and breaking his hand while knocking him out. (Do I need an allegedly here? I don't think I do. Okay, ALLEGEDLY an asshole!)
31. The Dodgers will immediately regret their "Bring Your Daughter To The Game" promo day when Tommy Lasorda shows up with girls that are CERTAINLY not his daughter.
32. Darwin Barney will suck. This is my least insane prediction.
33. Chris Owings will light up Chase Field with 45 home runs, 121 RBIs and three autograph requests.
34. The Diamondbacks will rest easier knowing that ex-manager Kirk Gibson will not be recreating his Game 1 home run of the 1988 World Series before every game, complete with limp and mustache.
35. Assistant hitting coach Mark Grace will break the team record for most groupies slept with in a weekend.
36. The Giants win the division by 2 games over the Dodgers. The Dodgers get a wildcard spot.
37. Nick Swisher will lose his prescription to Adderall on a road trip to Detroit, causing him to miss a long fly ball hit by Miguel Cabrera while he wonders where he left his wallet.
38. Terry Francona will go full monty in his new pictures to hopeful girlfriends, proving that he was THE MAN of the Red Sox clubhouse back during his Boston days.
39. Pitcher Kyle Crockett will finally break after the 16th person asks him if he is related to Davy.
40. The world will finally end after people come to the full realization that Ned Yost came close to winning a World Series as a manager.
41. A Royals fan somewhere will make the one millionth joke about first base coach Rusty Kuntz' name.
42. The two Alex's, Gordon and Rios, will combine for 35 home runs, with 30 coming from Gordon.
43. On their visit to New York, the Royals will have flashbacks while walking on Madison Avenue when seeing a woman with a big bum gardening.
44. If you don't get that last joke, shame on you.
45. Jeff Samardzija will once again struggle in the American League, earning a record of 12-14.
46. His ex-Notre Dame teammate, Brady Quinn, will win Janitor of the Year Award at U.S. Cellular Field.
47. Gordon Beckham will quit baseball to fulfill his ultimate destiny: to be a lacrosse player at John Hopkins.
48. Miguel Cabrera will come close to the Triple Crown again, but ultimately fail when Brad Ausmus sits him the last three weeks of the season for "not playing Biggio-like enough".
49. Joe Nathan will....wait, he's still in the league? Nothing makes sense. So confused right now.
50. Justin Verlander will fail to win 15 games, leading to Kate Upton leaving him for a sandwich.
51. Joe Mauer will once again questions why in the hell he had to be born in Minnesota and not, you know, somewhere not as cold and where he would have a chance to be the hometown hero AND a World Series winner.
52. A major brawl will break out at Target Field after two men try to out-compliment the other on their mullets.
53. Phil Hughes will make a start at Yankee Stadium, striking out 18 batters and giving Brian Cashman the finger as he walks off the mound.
54. Phil Hughes will start typing my columns.
56. Jon Lester will be overpitched, ending his career after he has to undergo several Tommy John surgeries. (Wait, Dusty Baker isn't the manager anymore.)
57. The Cubs will make the playoffs while Jon Lester goes 5-0 in September but not appear in any of the playoff games. (Wait, Lou Piniella isn't the manager anymore.)
58. New manager Joe Maddon will show his eccentric personality by wearing a coach's outfit straight out of Bad News Bears. (CHECK!)
59. Kris Bryant will hit 35 home runs, drive in 110 runs and impregnate women all over Chicagoland at the request of their husbands.
60. Starlin Castro will make Cubs' fans look back at the days of Cesar Izturis playing shortstop as "the glory days".
61. Brandon Phillips will continue to be a good second baseman with below average intelligence.
62. Joey Votto will hit 45 home runs, win the Home Run Derby and become the first Canadian to not use Drake as their walk-up song.
63. Reds' broadcaster Marty Brennaman will introduce a new jumbotron game called "Who's On My Lawn?". The loser will then be yelled at by Marty himself for 10 minutes about how today's society is crap.
64. Third base coach Jim Riggleman will woo the woman of Cincinnati with his jaw line and the wiggles of his rear. Third base seats at Great American Ballpark will be full of white-haired ladies looking to get some of that Riggle Wiggle.
65. Ryan Braun will take a fly ball to the face after losing it in the lights, or, as he calls it, "another way the Jews ruined the game".
66. Francisco Rodriquez will finally drop the nickname K-Rod after realizing he hasn't struck anyone out in nearly four years.
67. On "Miller Lite" giveaway night, fans will receive a coupon for three 20 oz. Miller Lites that they will proceed to put in their breakfast the next morning.
68. A.J. Burnett will go on the 15-day disable list for "mental health reasons" after spending a night at a bar with Ben Roethlisberger. He will only comment that, "he has seen things that should never be seen."
69. Andrew McCutchen will take over as Pittsburgh's most favorite athlete after he hits 50 home runs, drives in 130 runs and combines the three rivers into one tributary.
70. Matt Holliday will hit 30 home runs, each of them classier than the next.
71. Things at Busch Stadium will get awkward when, on Designated Drivers Day, Tony LaRussa shows up thinking they FINALLY got him a ride home.
72. Yadier Molina will finally end the debate on who is the best Molina by framing his two brothers for the murder of David Eckstein.
74. Adam Jones will top 30 home runs and 100 RBIs. He will then gripe about having to live in Baltimore.
75. Peter Angelos will hold the city of Baltimore hostage by threatening to move the Orioles to Annapolis, where they will play on a yacht full of crabs that each take a hour to eat because WHY AM I DOING MY OWN WORK WHEN I JUST WANT CRAB MEAT IN MY STOMACH?
76. Chris Davis will continue to disappoint his namesake that did this:
77. I don't care if I used that last year as well. That is the greatest play in college football history and I was there. Sue me!
78. David Ortiz will (yawn) gripe about the respect pitchers show him and (yawn) bitch about his contract not being enough and...well, can we just skip this one? He's the worst.
79. Xander Bogaerts will finally start dating the NESN personality he fell in love with a long time ago: Don Orsillo
80. Dustin Pedrioa will run a player out of town once again, and the Boston Globe will play along slamming that guy in the press.
81. I could literally write the same thing about the Red Sox despite the year.
82. A new steak and sushi joint will open at Yankee Stadium, distracting the final 10% of fans that actually pay attention to games there.
83. Alex Rodriguez will be greeting warmly during his first at-bat at Yankee Stadium, until the fans realize he once again is awful.
84. A chant of Der-ek Jet-er will start around Yankee Stadium, causing whatever poor soul that takes his place at shortstop to break down into tears.
85. Mark Teixeira will blame a, once again, awful start in April and May on daylight savings time being early this year.
86. Pitcher Grant Balfour is from Australia. I just learned this yesterday and thought I would share this fact.
87. During a ceremony honoring Don Zimmer, Pedro Martinez will come out of the shadows with Zimmer's corpse in hand, ultimately spiking it like a football at home plate.
88. Infielder Tim Beckham will fail at picking up women at bars by swearing he is David Beckham's brother.
89. Josh Donaldson, another wonderful Auburn man, will hit 30 home runs while leading the Blue Jays close to a playoff spot.
90. John Gibbons will start treating every pitcher like he did Ted Lilly: like the useless piece of crap Lilly is.
91. The Orioles will win the division by 1 game over the Yankees/Red Sox. Who cares? As long as neither the Yankees nor Red Sox make the playoffs, we all win.
92. The Braves will struggle, but look forward to the day that they finally escape that old dungeon that is Turner Field for a better stadium in Cobb County where exactly 15,000 will show up a game.
93. A.J. Pierzynski will piss off a new set of teammates, resulting in 31 straight years of this feat.
94. "Marlins Man" Laurence Leavy will finally realize that no one gives a flying %*#*%&#*%&#*%& about his orange jersey sitting behind home plate or benches during random games at different sports.
95. I don't know. The Marlins might win a few games? Who cares?
96. Matt Harvey will come back from his injury with a bang, winning 13 games and almost getting Mets' fans to remember his name.
97. David Wright will smile at a bunch of school-aged girls, immediately sending them deep into puberty.
98. Bartolo Colon will cause a riot as he cuts line at the outfield Shake Shack, angering people who have been in line for five innings.
99. Phillies' fans will blame Ryne Sandberg, God, Obama and almost everything except their front office for how bad they are during the season.
100. Ryan Howard will strike out a season record 210 times, but will swear that he is "just on the cusp" of being All-Star material again.
101. Max Scherzer will win 23 games, but will struggle in the playoffs after Frank Underwood blackmails him with evidence that he slept with Remy. (Seriously, if you don't understand this, you should REALLY be watching House of Cards.)
102. Jayson Werth will still make millions of dollars for whatever reason no one has any idea.
103. The Nationals will win the division by 7 games.
104. AL MVP: Trout NL MVP: Posey AL Cy Young: Phil Hughes (I swear to all things holy Phil, if you don't stop typing for me.) NL Cy Young: Max Scherzer NL ROY: Kris Bryant AL ROY: Kris Bryant (he's that f*#*%@g good!)
105. Giants win the World Series. Again.
106. I will be banned from ever writing for Fake Teams ever again after the powers-to-be read this entire thing.