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2015 Loser Series: N.L. West

In our finale, I take down Will Clark, child beauty pageants and wonder how LaTroy Hawkins is still in baseball.

Arizona Diamondbacks

I already talked about how mediocre Bronson Arroyo is.  Well, except when he faces Glendon Rusch.

Colorado Rockies

Oh, let me take a look at their roster.  All seem like a good bunch.  Wait!  Wait just a damn second.  LaTroy Hawkins?  LATROY FRIGGING HAWKINS?  He's still in baseball and not pumping gas somewhere?  This makes me question everything that I like about baseball.  LaTroy Hawkins?  The same man that has driven multiple fan bases to near suicide because of his pitching ability?  The guy who had me seriously thinking of murder?  I just don't understand this.  Hell, the Rockies might as well bring Glendon Rusch in to pitch.  I would trust the rotting corpse of Warren Spahn to save a game than I would Hawkins.  Does Walt Weiss and the powers-to-be at the Rockies know that Hawkins is somehow getting paid?  If so, here is my idea to the Rockies: I will show up for a quarter of what you are paying Mr. Hawkins, take a giant dump on the mound, curse out your mothers and collect my things.  That couldn't be any worse than what Hawkins does on a daily basis.

Los Angeles Dodgers

Oh, Darwin.  You are so dead to me.

San Diego Padres

You mean nothing.  Not a one of you.  But, I suppose I have to pick on someone, so I am going with Joaquin Benoit, only because your name reminds me of that little girl in Colorado who was TOTALLY not murdered by her parents (allegedly).  What ever happened to the father in that case?  I remember something about them moving to the Atlanta suburbs back in the late 90s and the mother dying, but nothing about the father.  Let me just say this: if you continually put your daughter, you will become more and more insane.  I'm going to take my own mother, for instance.  I once heard her yell at my sister about not making her boobs look big enough with the boob tape or something.  My mother is completely sane, too.  This is what beauty pageants do to people.  We have all seen the TV shows.  Oh, what I would give to be able to live-tweet a kids' beauty competition.  You know what?  I'm free most weekends.  I might have to do that.  Anyway, this is what you remind me of, Joaquin.  I hope you are happy.

San Francisco Giants

I can never hate a San Francisco Giant more than Will Clark.  He is my nemesis, and to this day, I swear I will punch him right in his goiter if I ever meet him in person.  Does this have to do with the 1989 NLCS?  Yes, of course it does.  It also has to do with him being quite possibly the worst human being on this planet.  Did any teammates ever like you, Will?  Were you the Jeff Kent of the late 80's?  Did your teammates at Mississippi State refuse to room with you?  I think you actually gave yourself the nickname "Will the Thrill" because no one that has ever come into contact with you would ever give you a nickname besides "Will the Giant Ass Hat".  That is a true fact.  This will not be argued.   Uggggh, I am getting angry just typing about you....