clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

2015 Loser Series: A.L. West

How the Mariners ruined the movie Little Big League, and the rest of the A.L. West losers.

Houston Astros

I'm not going to pick on a player.  No, I am going after the Astros' marketing department.  Would you PLEASE choose the team colors and stay with it?  If I were an Astros fan who spent $100 on a brick red Craig Biggio jersey, I would be pissed that now my jersey doesn't fit in with the team.  Here's what I understand: you were trying to get away from the Astrodome years by changing the colors from the orange and blue we were used to to a brick red and black that made no sense.  I understand.  You were remaking the entire organization with a new stadium and what not.  NOW you have switched back to the original and are expecting fans just to shell out hundreds of dollars for a Colby Rasmus jersey?   You are worse than NBA players who change uniform numbers.  Also, your 2015 slogan of "More Than Just A Game" is generic.  How long did that take to come up with?  5 minutes?  Finally, your city is awful.  I can't state that enough.

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Sue me.  I went after your golden boy Mike Trout.

Oakland Athletics

Billy Butler - We get it.  You are the "everyday guy" with the "belly" just having fun.  If I hear one more announcer say, "He belongs in a beer league, not the major leagues," I might end up quietly turning off the TV, taking 10 deep breaths and then reading a good Danielle Steele book over a nice cup of hot tea.  Every time I see you, I want to tickle you and see if you laugh like the Pillsbury Dough Boy, and then cut your head off, bake it and have a nice biscuit with my cup of tea.  Also, you look like someone that I would not want to run into at night at an interstate rest area.  In fact, I never want to see you in person no matter the time of day.

Seattle Mariners

I have a MAJOR beef with you, you Mariners of Seattle.  You ruined Billy Heywood and his coaching career, you insensitive jerks.  Oh, you don't remember little Billy?  Let me remind you then.  He was a young boy with a dream and a mind for baseball.  His grandfather tragically died and his employees wouldn't listen to him.  They thought he was a joke.  Well, until Lou Collins stepped in.  Ole Billy then had his team roaring and was fighting for a playoff berth. However, you a-holes had to ruin it.  You HAD to have Griffey rob that home run, didn't you?  You HAD to ruin the dream run of the Heywood version of Hoosiers.   Why did you have to do that?  All we wanted was for Billy to drop out of school, start coaching the Twins full time, develop a drinking problem at 17 and ultimately losing his job, his hooker of a wife and house at the age of just 20.  But NOOOOO!!!!  You had to teach Billy a lesson and have him lose that big game.  Now you will never win a World Series due to the fact that you didn't let it end the way it was supposed to end: with Billy, alone in the boat that he and his buddies Chuck and Joey had built, drunkenly blow his brains out.  Thanks a lot, dicks!

Texas Rangers

Mitch Moreland - True facts: you will never be as good as your father Keith at either baseball or as the butt of a joke in a song as awesome as Steve Goodman's "A Dying CubsFan Last Request".  Okay, maybe the last one isn't your fault since Goodman died before you were born, but the point still stands.