Starlin Castro - You're a disappointment. I can't emphasize this enough. You're not a disappointment in the same way that Mark Prior was. No, his was due to injury. You are a disappointment in the same way that Corey Patterson was. You have talent. That is not the problem. You just, well, how do I say it? You just act like you could not give a sh*t about your production or effort for the Cubs. You are the new Aramis Ramirez, but without the power. I saw in person what you are capable of in your MLB debut in Cincinnati. Back then, it seemed that you cared. It seemed like you WANTED to play baseball. Now, you are just like all those other players with unlimited talent but not a care in the world. Now, the Cubs have a manager in place that will not stand for your careless errors and at-bats where you seem more interested in "allegedly" shooting up another nightclub. Do you just want the money? I am sure the Cubs will pay you to go away and get a real shortstop that will get in front of groundballs instead of acting like a matador who is going up against an angry bull. I loathe you, Starlin. I almost loathe you more than Jeromy Burnitz.
Johnny Cueto - Dude, you really need to learn to relax. Despite your feelings, not everyone in this world is out to get you. You are always on the verge of fighting someone or something. I'm surprised you haven't been caught on video beating the hell out of Rosie Red. Did she not accept your offers for a nice "head" rub? It's not like your captain is going to do anything about you, either. He's Canadian. To him, his goal is to be really nice to everyone so Dick Cheney doesn't run for President and bomb the crap out of Canada. He's not going to tell you to stop. He just wants to earn his money, watch another year of NHL playoffs where the Canadian teams all bow out and eat some bacon that tastes like a brick. That sounds like a wonderful life. I bet he already bought his retirement home in Moose Jaw.
Ryan Braun - You, Ryan, are by far the worst human being ever. I am not even going to spend any more of my time writing about you. I'm busy as I have an appointment with Dr. Rosenberg then I am off to join my friends Neil Levine and Gary Howardstein for some blintz and chrain with some gefilte fish. Mazel Tov, you schmuck!
Everyone BUT Andrew McCutchen - Listen up, the rest of you Pirates. You all are lucky to have someone like McCutchen on your team. In fact, you are lucky he even speaks to you. If I were McCutchen, I would come into PNC Park every night surrounded by an entourage that is in charge of carrying me everywhere I went. I would eat the most expensive meals in front of you other low-paid players to know that you do not deserve to even be in my presence. When coming to the plate, I would unzip my pants and pee in the direction of the opposing pitcher I am about to light up. When rounding the bases after yet another home run, angels would lift me from the sky, carrying me around and lowering my foot onto each base that does not even deserve my precious feet upon it. Once entering the dugout, my teammates must bow down and then kiss my forearms that supply the quickest bat in all of baseball. YOU MUST BOW TO ME, DAMN IT! BOW!!!!!!!!
I just can't. Everything about your organization is the worst. I am not even able to pick just one. Maybe Jon Jay? I just hate that name. How about the fact that on your 40-man roster, you list FIVE catchers? That's more catchers than a Saturday night at Rawhide in New York. Matt Holliday seems like a likable guy, but I might only say that because I cover his father, Auburn's pitching coach, right now. Matt Carpenter is a taller, less annoying David Eckstein, I suppose. Mike Matheny is taking over for LaRussa as the manager who "just knows the game. A REAL game wizard who always goes with his gut feeling." Screw that. He's just another unmemorable guy in charge of a team with forgettable players.