(I spent Christmas Day with Mike Trout and his family. Our hero might not be all he's cracked up to be!)
Mike Trout: Hey, everyone! Look who made it for Christmas!
Rest of Trout Family: Hey, Mike.
Jeff Trout: (silently to wife Debbie) I thought you said we didn't invite him this year?
Debbie Trout: Honey, he's our son. I had to invite him.
Jeff: I suppose.
Mike: Hey, Dad. Made the big leagues yet? Haha. Just joshing ya.
Jeff: Good one, son.
Jeff: (silently to himself) God, I hate my son.
Me: Wait, what did you say, Jeff?
Mike: So, what did you all get me? Teal?
Teal: Well, for you my younger brother, I have this. Go ahead. Open it!
Mike: (opening present) Oh, it is a Yankee jersey. That's, umm, nice. HOW THE HELL WILL I EXPLAIN THIS TO MY MANAGER?
Teal Trout: Ummm, sorry, I thought it was a good joke.
Mike: OH REALLY? You think THAT is funny? Here is your present. It is called a Silver Slugger Award! I have THREE of them!
Me: What is going on here?
Tyler Trout: Mike, stop being such a jerk. She was joking.
Mike: Shut up big brother. Here is your present. It's my jersey from the All-Star game last year. I don't need it. I go every damn year!
Jeff: Mike, what's your deal?
Me: Should I leave?
Tyler: Yeah, Mike. Why are you always like this?
Mike Oh, I'm the problem? Me, the one with all five tools required to become one of the greatest baseball players of all time? I'M the problem?
Me: (slowly backing into the next room)
Jeff: You know life isn't all about baseball, right?
Mike: Is that what you say to yourself to help you sleep at night knowing you were only a 5th-round draft pick? You played at the University of Delaware! Is that even a school?
Jeff: Joe Flacco played football there.
Me: (from the next room) THE BLUE HENS!
Mike: Who? I don't watch football.
Tyler: So, I don't really want to give you a gift now, but here it is.
Mike: (opening present) A picture of the Royals in the World Series? Really, Tyler? SCREW YOU!
Tyler: I thought it was funny as well. You know, because you haven't been there yet.
Me: (now crying) My Cubs will never make the World Series.
Mike: Oh, you think that is MY fault? What the hell else do I have to do for the Angels: pitch as well? I just won the MVP, damn it. Respect me!
Debbie: STOP YELLING AT YOUR SIBLINGS!
Me: (sobbing in living room in the fetal position)
Mike: Shut up, mom. You have no athletic ability whatsoever.
Jeff: You have gone over the line, mister. You will not talk to your mother that way.
Mike: I can talk to her however I want. I am the big shot here. Or do you not WANT my presents for you all?
Me: I MISS MY MOMMY!
Jeff: You actually got us something?
Mike: Yeah, here they are. (opens box) It's an autographed picture of myself for each and every one of you. Tyler, yours is special!
Tyler: Dude, you are nude in mine!
Mike: I just want to remind you who swings the big stick around here.
Debbie: WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY SON? HE HAS BECOME A MONSTER!
Jeff: He is not the boy I raised.
Mike: What? I'm not good enough for you? Is that what you are saying? I'M PERFECT! I even cooked the turkey and brought it over!
Debbie: (cutting open the turkey) Um, Mike? The turkey isn't done.
Jeff: OHHHH, LOOK AT MISTER PERFECT! CAN'T EVEN COOK A DAMN TURKEY!!! YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE YOU CAN'T DO? WIN IN THE PLAYOFFS!
(All except Mike laugh)
Tyler: Yeah. I can't wait to tweet about this. "Mister Perfect Mike Trout undercooks turkey. Gives family food poisoning. #MiguelCabreraIsBetter"
Me: Soooo, no turkey?
Mike: Screw all of you. I don't need you. I have my own life now full of beautiful models and fancy cars and trips across the world. I hate you all!
(MIKE TROUT WAKES UP FROM DREAM)
Mike: (sweating) AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! What the...phew, it was only a dream.
(person next to Mike wakes up)
Mike: Sorry, Gisele. It was just a nightmare. I'm so glad Tom is out of town.