Major League: How The Players Would Rank Up Fantasy Wise

We all know the lines from Major League.  We don't have to repeat them.  It is a classic movie that has a lot of flaws (seriously, this is a whole other column waiting to happen), but is one of the most memorable baseball films of all time.

But, since this is a fantasy sports site (as I have been reminded numerous of times), let's look at how those 1989 Cleveland Indians would have been viewed by the fantasy baseball community.

The Go-To Man

This has to be Willie Mays Hayes, right?  It seemed like every rally or montage of the Indians scoring runs involved him somehow.  Let's not forget the stolen bases.  How many gloves were on his wall by the end of the season?  Too many to count, for me at least.  I'm guessing his on-base percentage was out of this world and all of the SB's would have led to a monster year.  Now, if he could just work on his power!  (cue Omar Epps)

The Risk

Ricky Vaughn would have driven fantasy owners out of their mind.  Between tantrums that only Jonathan Papelbon can throw and multiple consecutive walks that would have Carlos Marmol blushing, he would be ultimately murdered someone after giving up another home run to the White Sox.  I suppose he did have a lot of saves, though we really don't see them. (CORRECTION: As reader Matthew Dewöskin points out, Ricky was actually a starter in the movie.  I am not sure how I forgot this.)

Only If He Is Family

You have to know that Roger Dorn made all of his family members take him in the first round, right? I wouldn't expect anything else out of the guy.  If my memory serves me correct, we only see him get one hit in the entire movie.  No wonder Mrs. Dorn went to Ricky for some club.

Late Rounder When You Are Bored With the Draft

Well, Jake Taylor really put up numbers in the Mexican League.  That MIGHT transition to the American League if he works at it.  His WAR, by the way, would be a negative 15.3.  Also, no way he beats out a bunt.

OKAY, you got me.  I have to air out some grievances with the movie before I go insane.  They are as follows:

1.     How does Jake not get pulled over while driving a bullpen cart through downtown Cleveland?  Also, what is the chance that he actually KNOWS the name of the cop he asks to use it?

2.     So, Lynn's boyfriend at the start of the movie is a rich businessman who has a penthouse condo somewhere in Cleveland.  Soooooo, Jake just enters a building and has direct access to the condo without knowing any code or being buzzed in?  Did Lynn's boyfriend just want to be robbed?  Cleveland is a horrible place.  I don't want my door just being open.

3.     WHY AND HOW IS EDDIE PITCHING SO LONG IN THE DECISIVE GAME?  Is Lou Brown asleep?  You see him struggling, correct?  Pretty sure Dusty Baker watched this movie and thought, "That is EXACTLY how I am going to use my pitchers!"  Speaking of Eddie...

Only If You Are Desperate

Eddie Harris is played by Chelcie Ross, better known as George, the old coach of Hickory High, in Hoosiers.  I know people like to give Tim Robbins grief for his pitching motion in Bull Durham, but was Eddie even somewhat better?  Also, Ross was 47 when the movie was filmed.  Lou, however, decided to stick with him for the big game.  Great coaching, Lou.

People Would Have Overreached

Pedro Cerrano, meet Chris Davis.  You guys would have a lot in common.  Fantasy players would have been raving about him all preseason and then realized he, you know, wasn't that good.  Sure, you would get the home runs, but three days out of the week you would look up and see a 0-4 box score with three strikeouts.  This would cause many fantasy players to swear off voodoo.

You Would Draft Him, But You Would Hate Yourself for Doing It

Clu Haywood, him of Yankees and father-son day lore, would probably make fantasy players feel something special in their pants.  He would be the Mike Trout or Miguel Cabrera of 1989, except the fact he is bit of a jerk.  Fantasy players worldwide would say, "Well, the guy might be a scumbag and probably has cheated, but he is my scumbag and I will defend him to the death."