2015 Loser Series: Yankees' Mark Teixeira

(While Ray gives out his sleepers for the year, I have decided to pick one player from each MLB team as the worst player on that team.  While this has nothing to do with fantasy and I wouldn't recommend actually taking my advice not to pick these players, my picks are more to do with personal matters.  Next up: the New York Yankees.)

Let's get this out of the way: your breathing.  For the love of all things Jeter, your breathing.  What is up with that?  When you enter the batters' box, you inhale and exhale like it is your last breath.  That is nothing compared to what you do when you swing.  Where did this come from?  What's the point?  Are you trying to create even more wind when you swing and miss once again?  Are you hoping the breath will cause the ball to go farther?  I'm afraid for your health that one time you will pop a muscle from breathing so hard.

Secondly, the slow starts.  How in the world does this still happen?  You are a veteran now.  You should be over this whole "well, he always struggles in April and May" yearly routine.  Can you imagine someone in sales getting away with that?  "Well, he didn't even come CLOSE to his quota this quarter, but you know, he always starts out the year slow.  We can give him some time!"  That would never happen.  That guy would end up selling Mark Teixeira knock-off jerseys on the uptown 4 train.  They wouldn't sell well early in the season, either.

What causes this?  Did something tragic happen to you in those months that you can't even begin to concentrate on hitting a baseball until June?  Are you that worried about a horse finally winning another Triple Crown that you put baseball aside until after the Belmont Stakes?  Are you still reeling from that April when (spoiler alert!) you found out the Easter Bunny is not real?  You are paid (handsomely) to hit a ball no matter what month it is.  It shouldn't matter that it is the first part of the season.  It's like you drop everything baseball-related after the season only to find out in March that, oh yeah, I have to play another season.  You are the Shaquille O'Neal of baseball!

Your power numbers are down as well.  Is the short porch at Yankee Stadium TOO far for you?  Do they need to bring it in until it is of Little League proportions?  I will make you a bet that I could knock one out of right field in Yankee Stadium given 50 batting practice pitches.  If not, I will donate a whopping $10 to your favorite charity.  That is how confident I am.  It's not like you are getting on base at a great rate either.  You batted just .216 last year, in a hitter-friendly park while sitting on your butt most of the time not even playing defense.

You don't deserve to share the same birthday as me.