AFC South Predictions

(To preview the upcoming season, Brad Coustan and I, Brian Stultz, will exchange emails to discuss our predictions for each conference.  My (Brian Stultz) emails are in italics.  Up now:  AFC South.)

Brad,

Only two more divisions to go. Let's knock this out.

In my opinion, the AFC South is the worst division this year. The Colts are going to probably win it just because the other teams are horrible.

A few thoughts:

- I want to like Andrew Luck, but the neck beard has to go. Also, did you know he and Richard Sherman went to Stanford?  True story.

- Speaking of where someone went to school, did you know Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard?  Did you also know that Ryan Fitzpatrick is completely useless as a quarterback?  That goes unreported for some reason.

-  I have absolutely nothing interesting to say about the Jaguars, so I will rank the four cities in this division based on how horrible they are:

4. Nashville - good music and bar scene. I actually like Nashville

3. Indianapolis - the state of Indiana is very underrated for their racism. I mean, the KKK started in the state. Also, Hoosiers.

2. Jacksonville - no redeeming quality except having a lot of water.

1. Houston - I would rather live in Tikrit.

- Watt and Clowney on the same defensive line scares me. I can't imagine what Andrew Luck is thinking.

5 Things I Like

1. Clowney's potential to seriously harm someone.

2. Watt's potential to seriously harm someone

3. Chuck Pagano

4. The Jaguars not selling out any games

5. Jake Locker - his name just sounds like a quarterback

5 Things I Don't Like

1. Reminders that Fitzpatrick went to Harvard

2. Any interview with Andrew Luck

3. Houston (seriously, it is a cesspool)

4. The entire Jaguars roster

5. Bill O'Brien (he seems like an ass)

5 Players I Like

1. Jake Locker

2. Texans Defense

3. Luck

4. Justin Blackmon

5. T.Y. Hilton

5 Players I Don't Like

1. Reggie Wayne

2. Chad Henne

3. Blake Bortles

4. The Jaguars 3rd string QB

5. Colts defense

What say you, my handsome devil of a friend?

Brian

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Brian,

I like the fact that you are consistent with your hate for all of our fan base's collective home towns. Nothing inspires an angry mob more. You better hope Christian Tarnowski doesn't have any relatives in Houston. I will take the high road and stick to bad pop culture references and such.

Yes I did know that the Amish Rifle went to Harvard. Did you know he has the third highest Wonderlic score of all time. His 48 puts him in a tie with Ben Watson so I wouldn't put too much stock in  that one. After all, Frank Gore scored a 6.

Yeah ... the Luck neck beard doesn't do it for me. And how could you root against Pagano? "Circumstances don't DEFINE you they REVEAL you!"

The Jags will be better than everyone expects. Then they will move to London and we will all forget about them. However I am excited about the prospect of a 9AM NFL game 8 times a year.

Predicted order of finish:

Colts 11-5

Titans 9-7 - I believe in Jake

Houston 8-8

Jags 6-10

5 Things I Like

1.  The city of Nashville

2.  I am all Pagano all the time

3.  The JJ Watt commercial where he is yelling at the guy coming out of the coffee shop. "What is that, TEA?"

4.  The Jags D

5.  Blake Bortles in a dynasty league

5 Things I Dislike

1.  The neck beard

2.  Andrew Luck commercials

3.  That people think TY Hilton is fantasy relevant every week - he's not.

4.  Bill O'Brien

5.  That Ryan Fitzpatrick threw up a 40 Burger on me late last year to bounce me from the playoffs in one of my leagues

5 Players I Like

1.  Toby Gerhart - I know. It's fashionable.

2.  Luck

3.  Jake Locker

4.  Justin Hunter - the guy to own in Tennessee this year - not Kendall Wright

5.  Jadeveon

And as far as that handsome comment?  Stay far away my War Eagle. Far, far away. I am a married man!

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My hatred for Houston comes from experience.  You can't walk into any place in the Downtown/Midtown area without being harassed by a homeless person.   They are probably Tarnowski's parents.

I love your 80's references.  Nothing is better than a good Small Wonder joke or making fun of the Cosby show.  Dear lord, how I despised the Cosby Show.  I loved Pudding Pops though.

I'm glad we agree on O'Brien.  How did he get that job?  ANYONE could have been quarterbacks coach with Tom Brady as your quarterback.

As far as the handsome comment, I was just trying to pay you a compliment.  That takes a lot of effort from me!

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That's OK. In our never ending need for attention I will let you play the bad cop role. Kind of like your Buddy Lembeck to my Charles in Charge. Did Charles have a last name?  Or is he like Kramer before the Cosmo?  Maybe his last name is just Incharge. Anyway not sure Buddy was a "bad cop" per se but he was a bad influence and maybe the worst TV characters of all time.

Speaking of sitcoms, did you see they brought back Boy Meets World?  Only this time, it is Girl Meets World. Topanga and Corey are married and they have a daughter. Corey has taken over the Mr. Sweeney role as well as his daughter's teacher. Hilarity ensues ... I could not be more excited. Topanga still has it going on.

I forgot to add my Five Players I Dislike (for fantasy purposes)

1.  Arian Foster - I will be wrong here but too risky for me. I prefer to let someone else draft

2.  Cecil Shorts - I will be wrong here too

3.  Ryan Fitzpatrick - grudges don't die easily for me

4.  T.Y. Hilton - Did you know his real name is Ty but he had trouble spelling it so they renamed him T.Y.

5.  I don't really dislike Marquise Lee but if you are in a dynasty league Allen Robinson is your guy

What more can I say?  Outside of Chuck Pagano this is the most boring division in the NFL. No wonder Jordan Blackmon wanted out!

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Was Charles in Charge the one with the kid who ended up killing himself or was that Who's the Boss?  Or am I completely wrong on both of these?

You know what other TV show in the 80's I didn't like: Family Ties.  I can't stand Michael J. Fox.  He thought he was better than the rest of his family.  "Oh, look at me, I'm a conservative Reagan lover in a house full of hippies.  I am going to stay at home and go to some mediocre school instead of Harvard and then move to NYC and work on Wall Street and become addicted to cocaine and have to hire a member of the mob to clean up the mess when I accidentally kill a hooker."  God, Michael J. Fox is the worst.

Are we even really sure Pagano is a good coach?

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Tonight on a very special Family Ties ...

Tonight on a very special Diffrent' Strokes ... (Remember the one where Dudley gets diddled by the bike shop owner?)

Tonight on a very special ... Name Your 80s/90s sitcom ... This is one that the whole family should watch together

Speaking of addiction, remember the Saved By The Bell when Jesse got addicted to speed?  "I'm so EXCITED! I'M SO EXCITED! I'M SO .... tired."  Check it out!

I see that you jumped the gun and already posted this. You can update it after you are done cleaning up the premature ej.... Oh you know what I mean.

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Oh, I am VERY familiar with the Jesse freak out on Saved By The Bell.  She says "SCARED", not "TIRED" at the end of the freakout.  Get it right next time.  And as far as the premature stuff, it only happened once, and Falcons defensive coordinator Mike Nolan was involved.

Are you done now?  GOOD!