(To preview the upcoming season, Brad Coustan and I, Brian Stultz, will exchange emails to discuss our predictions for each conference. My (Brian Stultz) emails are in italics. Up now: AFC North.)
Seems like we have our first fan club forming in upstate NY. I can't wait until our honorary welcome.
Let's begin talking about the AFC North. (Full Disclosure: I am a huge Bengals fan so I might not be rational about this division.)
1. Bengals (10-6)
2. Steelers (9-7 Wildcard)
3. Ravens (9-7)
4. Browns (5-11)
The Bengals are either going to win the division, or finish 3-13. It is going to be one of the extremes. Losing defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer hurts a LOT! (Why didn't they just give him Lewis' job? Marvin barely realizes he is on the sidelines anymore.)
The Steelers offensive line still sucks and their defense will be receiving their AARP card any time now. Big Ben is still a fool. I have never heard one good story about him from anyone who has had any interaction with him. Troy Polamalu will go flying around the field but will fail to tackle anyone. He will still be praised by Jim Nantz.
The Ravens....ah, the Ravens. I am afraid to write anything bad due to my physical well being.
The Browns are horrible.
5 Things I Like
1. AJ m*therf****ng Green. I watched this guy scorch Auburn's secondary for four years. I love having him on my side.
2. Geno Atkins
3. Antonio Brown. Dude can fly!
4. Todd Haley somehow still being on Steelers' staff
5. Paul Manziel (Johnny's dad) getting arrested for cocaine and hookers sometime this season in Cleveland.
5 Things I Don't Like
1. No Mike Zimmer
2. The Ginger Rifle. For the love of all things holy, he is awful.
3. Roethlisberger's Rapings
4. Ray Rice's Return
5. The mouth-breathing, smelly, wing sauce on their chins and old Hines Ward jersey Steeler fans that you run into in every bar. Seriously, the worst.
5 Players I Like
4. Roethlisberger (he will put up points I suppose)
5. Steve Smith (Chip on shoulder)
5 Players I Don't Like
1. Andy Dalton
2. Ginger Rifle
3. That damn Ginger
4. Dalton, Andy
5. That quarterback who made my lifelong best friend (and Bengals fan) Scott Griffith start using the word "Daltoned" as a verb. Ex: "He really Daltoned that situation up."
Daltoned - to screw up epically
What say you, my friend?
I was going to answer back about how I Daltoned the bathroom at the Huntington Hilton but I will leave yesterday's email behind and move on.
AFC North Predicted Order of Finish
Bengals - 10-6
Steelers - 8-8
Ravens - 8-8
Browns - bad, really, really, bad
Does Susannah Hoffa still play for the Bengals? What? Another 80s reference? I am skewing our demographic singlehandedly! Oh well - we need some 45+ year old readers. Unlike our good, young friend Christian Tarnowski in Binghamton, NY. Send him a @faketeams t shirt. Do we have those?
Things I like about the AFC North
-Johnny Manziel meltdowns
-The free AARP card you get when you sign a Steelers contract
-AJ Green long TD catches
- Andy Dalton in the regular season
-I can't think of ANYTHING else
Things I hate about the AFC North
- John Manziel
- Ray Rice? Two games? Two?
- Josh Gordon's weed dealer - he screwed me in fantasy football
- Andy Dalton in the post season
- The Ravens. In general. The Ravens.
5 Players I like
1. AJ or AB
2. Torrey Smith - big, big, big year coming
3. Jeremy Hill
4. Markus Wheaton
5. Did I mention Torrey Smith
5 Players I dislike
3. Lev Bell - atrocious YPC
4. Any Ravens WR other than Torrey
5. Emmanuel Sanders ... wait, what?
Ok. I think I have used every column gimmick in one email. What say you?
Our friend Christian is my new BFF. You can't have him!
My entire elementary school education consisted of doing the Ickey Shuffle after getting a good test score. Granted, this is Kentucky so a good test score is the fact I could read...in 5th grade. High education at its finest!
Dalton is great for six games, good for four and absolutely horrible for six. Oh, and let's not even talk about his playoff performances. HOW DO YOU FUMBLE WITHOUT BEING TOUCHED? HOW?
I was in Los Angeles during the Chargers-Bengals playoff game this past January. I had TOTALLY forgot the fact that San Diego was the closest NFL team. I was surrounded by Chargers fans. It was brutal.
I look forward to the Steelers ironically hanging that "ZERO TOLERANCE" banner somewhere on their sidelines this season. You know, unless you are named Ben or, well, half of their team.
I think the Bengals need to go back to their thug days. I LOVED when half the team was in jail.
When does Johnny Manziel start?
Are you kidding? There is enough Christian Tarnowski for both of us. He is important. He has a real job! He's not like us.
Steelers are going to wait to see if they are a playoff team before they suspend Bell and Blount. Then they will do the right thing.
Speaking of that. Why are there so many Steeler fans in every city? It's annoying.
Johnny Manziel starts week 5 after the bye at the insistence of Jimmy Haslam. He gets injured on his first drop back by some monster DE that doesn't like his attitude. Has there ever been a guy that put a bigger target on his own back? As my bestie Christian says - he's a real f$*%#tard.
The answer to your Steelers question? Because absolutely no one wants to live in Pittsburgh AND our country is a major bandwagon country.
Also, what exactly is a Certified Environmental Hygienist? Is that just a fancy title for "Garbage Man"? That is what the collective opinion is at the bar right now.