My esteemed colleague Brad Coustan is out this week, but that won't stop me from emailing him AND answering my emails. Let's face it: I'm MUCH funnier than him, anyway. So, here we go!
Two weeks down into the NFL season and we already have a lot of things to like and a crap load of things to hate. I think I will start out with what I like:
1. The Bengals - Not going to lie, this Bengals team and their performance the first two weeks gave me more pleasure than that time I visited that whorehouse in Dallas. Solid defense? Check! Running the ball? Check! Andy Dalton not turning the ball over? CHECK! Also, signing Devon Still to a contract was the VERY FIRST nice thing the Bengals have ever done in the 33 years I have been alive. WHO DEY!
2. The Eagles' comebacks - Chip Kelly's tongue agrees!
3. The Giants winning the #1 pick in the draft - I don't think this team could beat half of the SEC West.
4. Panthers - everyone had them slipping this year after a great regular season this year. While Cam has absolutely no one to throw the ball to, the defense is still solid and Cam is still Cam. Also, Derek Anderson played well in Week 1.
5. Brian Hoyer - keeping Johnny Manziel on the sidelines since 2014.
1. The Steelers look awful. This makes me happy, though.
2. The Chiefs.
3. Any team out of Florida.
4. A.J. Green somehow not sucking up a bad toe
5. All the frigging injuries!
6. Roger Goodell
7. The Ginger Hammer named Roger Goodell
8. Mike Nugent's ability to miss field goals
9. Eli Manning throwing for 5,000 yards (A BRAD COUSTAN PREDICTION!)
10. Pete Carroll smacking that damn gum
What do you say, my man?
You are absolutely right about everything. The Bengals are the best team in the league right now and are marching their way to the first Super Bowl win in franchise history. It reminds me of that episode of Saved by the Bell where the students take part in the Army training program. No one believed in Screech but Zack and, at the end of the day, Screech won the big obstacle course race against the more athletic jock. This is just like the Bengals. No one believes in them, either. Well, people better start!
Did you see where they are making a TV show out of the "Problem Child" movies? I say they should make a sitcom starring Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd where they reprise their Spies Like Us roles and start working on taking down Putin.
As for what I like?
1. Jay Cutler winning at the 49ers
2. CJ Spiller
3. The chances of Tom Coughlin breaking down mid-season
4. Darren Sproles
5. The Bengals defense
1. Matty Ice on the road
2. The Bills knocking you out of your suicide pool
3. The horrible Saved by the Bell movie
4. Andrew Luck's neck beard
5. Ice tea
Oh, you and your Saved by the Bell references keep up.
I think the Bengals are more like that episode where the students become the faculty. Remember that one? Kelly is REALLY serious about her job as a history teacher and Slater tries to get out of taking a test? Zack is the principal for some reason and starts taking HIS job seriously, too? And then Zack orders the football players to take that history test DURING the first half of the big game against Valley? What an episode. I am just happy that Bayside goes on to win the game.
WE'RE THE BAYSIDE TIGERS
AND WE'RE ON THE PROWL!
Ok, I am shutting up now.
You REALLY need to get a life.