(To preview the upcoming season, Brad Coustan and I, Brian Stultz, will exchange emails to discuss our predictions for each conference. My (Brian Stultz) emails are in italics. We start out with the NFC East.)
So, you want to try and get into a prediction (and wit) war with me? Well, I welcome the challenge. I am going to even start with the NFC East to give you a shot.
First of all, let's start with the team records:
Eagles- 10-6 (Division Champs)
Giants - 9-7
This could possibly be one of the worst divisions in football this year. The Giants, Redskins and Cowboys are all suspect. I wouldn't trust Eli Manning to throw me a paper towel in a domed stadium, let alone the wind tunnel that is Metlife. (What a horrible stadium, by the way.) Robert Griffin's knees are made out of tinfoil and Tony Romo is just plain awful.
There ARE some things that I do like in the NFC East, though:
1. Chip Kelly's tongue. Have you seen him wag that thing? He must make women all over the Philadelphia area immediately have an orgasm when he lets that baby loose.
2. RILEY COOPER! Yes, I took the racist wide receiver in the 5th round of our fantasy draft, but he scored me some points last year.
3. I love when Victor Cruz does his Salsa dance when the Giants are down 21 points at home to a team like the Bears.
4. The Jerry Jones' stripper photos are TOP NOTCH. I want them displayed on the gigantic video board at all times in Cowboy's stadium.
5. Jay Gruden is the new coach for the Redskins? I look forward to watching RG3 throw 5-yard outs on 3rd and 12 now. I speak from experience after having him as offensive coordinator for the Bengals.
Things I Dislike About the NFC East:
1. Chip Kelly. He ran out on Oregon when they were coming face to face with allegations faster than Pete Carroll did at USC. He's the new John Calipari of football!
2. Eli Manning. Years from now, people will still be shocked that this clumsy fool won two Super Bowls. I am dumbfounded right now.
3. RG3. I am looking forward to seeing five more documentaries on him this season.
4. Cowboys fans. Even here in Auburn, AL, you are sure to run into some jean-short wearing, monster truck driving redneck wearing a hat with a silver star on it.
5. MetLife Stadium. Once again, that stadium is everything wrong with NFL stadiums. It gets as loud as an Alabama School for the Deaf pep rally, there is absolutely no soul and you have to tailgate in a parking lot that has a -35 wind chill factor at all times.
5 Players I Would Draft:
1. DeSean Jackson, WR, Redskins
2. Nick Foles, QB, Eagles
3. Chip Kelly's tongue
4. Josh Brown, Kicker, Giants (You just know Eli will have them settling for field goals.)
5. Dez Bryant, WR, Cowboys
5 Players I Would Avoid:
1. Robert Griffin the Third, QB, Redskins
2. Any Redskins Running Back
3. Eli Manning, QB, Giants (Unless your league gives you points for interceptions.)
4. DeMarco Murray, RB, Cowboys
5. Brent Celek, TE, Eagles
What say you, my friend?
I will stack all Cowboys every week. Romo, Dez, and Demarco are this seasons Peyton, Demaryius, Knowshon.
With that Cowboys D they may score more often than Wilt Chamberlain at a post game night club.
They still end up 6-10 and Garrett keeps his job unless Jerry Jones moves onto the field to coach the team himself.
Bold prediction: Eli is a top 8 fantasy QB. There is something about the Giants quiet demeanor this preseason that tells me they are not concerned. If the line keeps him upright he throws for 5000 yards.
As far as Riley Cooper goes? He had 8 TDs last year. 5 in 2 games. He only topped 100 yards in a game three times. He isn't that good. He is my NFC East bust of the year.
5 to draft (skipping the obvious Shady, Dez, Etc)
Tom Coughlins cracked red winter face
5 to avoid
Nick Foles - 27/2 is not sustainable
Jason Garrett's future
The Washington Warriors
I am on vacation so my responses are going to be slow.
Eli? 5,000 yards? Are you drunk? (Why am I even asking that question...)
The Giants have been quiet all offseason because no player they have can speak above a 3rd-grade level. The Valedictorian of the Giants would be Eli, and he went to Ole Miss!
Wilt Chamberlain sex jokes will NEVER get old, I know that. He scored more than an Amish guy on Rumspringa.
I love Coughlin's face when it gets cold. He should be a spokesperson for Rosacea.
Wilt Chamberlain scored more than tiger woods at Perkins on ladies night.
(TOMORROW: THE AFC EAST!)