I texted our esteemed editor Ray Guilfoyle with the question, "Who needs a pep talk this week?" He quickly responded, "MATT KEMP!" Shocking that he would pick a Dodger, right? Suspicious of his motive, I looked up Kemp's stats. WOOOH buddy! Mr. Kemp, let's have a talk.
First of all, you are a handsome man. I'm not above saying that. I mean, you dated Rihanna! I have no idea what she looks like, but I know she is popular so she must be pretty. Good for you. You deserve to date someone like that who has slept with the entire music industry. (Just guessing.)
Let's talk about your performance at the plate. Just 15 RBIs so far this year, I see. That's not good my friend. What's going on? Is there a feud boiling between you and Mattingly? Is he upset that you have an awesome beard when all he could grow was a porn-star mustache? Is he giving preferential treatment to other players because of this riff? Let me know, because I could come in and provide a solution to his beef.
You also only have 5 homeruns. Where did the power go? Did it disappear magically after you started canoodling with the Kardashians? What were you thinking? You have seen what has happened to former Olympian great Bruce Jenner, right? Don't think that you are above that happening to you. People in your Oklahoman hometown would say, "Man, Los Angeles really changed Matt Kemp. I remember when he was down to earth, but then the Kardashians got him."
Seriously, we can fix this, even your Ryan Theriot-like .238 batting average. Here's a few things that you might want to do to help break this spell:
- Shave your beard. You never saw Harmon Killibrew with facial hair, did you?
- Start hanging out with Tommy Lasorda. He apparently likes to have fun with some lady friends. Hire some girls, pop in some bisexual porn and enjoy being taken care of by the same lady that also takes care of Tommy Lasorda. Wait.......I just threw up. Scratch that idea. Oh dear, I think I just ruined sex for everyone.
- Request to only play from the 3rd to 7th innings. That is when Dodger Stadium is full and people will see you. Who wants to bat in front of a half-empty stadium? That's no fun. Just ask Mark Texiera.
- Your walk up music? Definitely should be Rihanna. That would show her that you are TOTALLY over her, man. She is the loser in this relationship ending. She is the one suffering.
"Oh, how about a round of applause?
Yeah, standing ovation? Ooh, oh yeah
Yeah y-yeah yeah."
- Seriously, I love that song.
- I suppose flipping your bat is a thing now so, I mean, if you want to, just flip the holy hell out of your bat after every ball you hit. I don't care if it is foul. Flip the sh*t out of that bat!
- Take a sponge bath with owner Magic Johnson and let him tell you how he is a hero for having unprotected sex with all sorts of women (and possibly men) and acquiring a disease that can kill someone. Seriously, what a role model! "Daddy, can I have the Magic Johnson doll that has liver spots on his back?"
- Befriend a Los Angeles King. They are the hot team in your town right now. Sure, their fans can only name two or three players, but hey, they are in the Stanley Cup Finals and the Lakers are done.
- Remember that you are Matt frigging Kemp! You have a cool ass nickname like "The Bison". You are from Oklahoma! Okay, you can probably forget that last one. Oklahoma doesn't have much going for it. I can see why you never go back.
Follow these things and you will be back to making Ray daydream about getting to rub his soft hands over your grizzly beard while "Nobody Knows" by the Tony Rich Project plays in the background. Wait, this just got too real. I'm going to stop. Just, stop sucking. That's all I have to say.