(Once again I asked other members of the Fake Teams crew to recommend someone who needed a pep talk. The result? A mixed bag with Shin Soo Choo winning. Here we go!)
First of all, thank you to your ancestors for creating the BBQ I have enjoyed so greatly over the years. Hungry at 3 a.m. when living in NYC, I always knew I could head down to 32nd Street for some delicious Bulgolgi and dumplings. Dear lord that stuff is orgasmic.
Apparently, you are struggling with your new team in Texas and...
You know what? I can't do this. I'm sure Choo, if that is your real name, will be fine. Listen, the US Men's National Team plays quite possibly the biggest match in their history later today. After that gut punch of a draw against Portugal, they, more than anyone in MLB, need a pep talk.
So, men of the USMNT, I am here today to tell you that THIS IS OUR FRIGGING TIME! Who cares if we are playing the big, mighty Germans? You know when else we played them? From 1914-1918 and 1941-1945 and we went, we saw and we kicked their ass*!
Are you really scared of a 5'5 midget named Phillip Lahm? Does a man with the last name Schweinsteiger (which I argue is German for "motherf*cker) strike fear into your hearts? Fine. Be scared. Just don't tell Captain Winters and the Band of Brothers this! I'm sure the strikes that Thomas Müller sends your way won't be nearly as deadly as the bullets coming toward "Easy" Company on D-Day!
Listen, you have the Germans right where you want them. In fact, I can point out how many of the key factors in the match equal their 1945 counterparts.
Joachim Loew = Joseph Goebbels. Both master strategists who, and I'm just going on video tape, like to wear tight clothing to show off some bulge.
Manuel Neuer = A bunker in Berlin. Seems indestructible, until one strike hits the right spot and all hell breaks loose.
Thomas Müller = The Eagle's Nest. Blasts the crap out of a ball/bullets and can make you feel like you are never going to make progress.
Michael Bradley = Lt. Winters. The leaders and true heart of the Americans. Success totally depends on him.
Clint Dempsey = George S. Patton. Fiery, aggressive and prone to slap fights.
Per Mertesacker = Eva Braun. Braun was a better defender, though.
Mesut Özil = Heinrich Himmler. A sneaky little bastard. Scary as crap.
Tim Howard = Dwight Eisenhower. He would rather die than let US territory be soiled by the dirty Germans.
Landon Donovan = Douglas McArthur. Busy elsewhere.
Julian Green = Claus von Staffenberg. Saw things weren't going to work out for him in Germany as it is today.
Lukas Podolski = Erwin Rommel. Underutilized.
FIFA = The SS. No explanation necessary.
Kyle Beckerman = Liederhosen. Just like dreads, doesn't look good on everyone.
Julian Draxler = Hitler Youth members. Just biding time until can make a real impact. Loyal to a fault.
Miroslav Klose = Amon Goeth. The name just sounds evil.
Jürgen Klinsmann = Oskar Schindler. Their list/roster is an absolute good.
So, USMNT, you see now that you too can conquer the Germans.**
From the shores of France to the corrupt streets of Recife, we Americans are not afraid to attack what we see as injustice: that being us not advancing to the round of 16.
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
* The Russians helped a LOT.
** Seriously, just play for a draw. Ich bin ein großer deutscher Fußball-Fan.