A Psychiatrist Session with Manny Machado

It's hard to grow up.  We all know this.  Manny Machado is learning this the hard way and in front of a national audience. Should we blame the 21-year-old 3rd baseman for the Orioles for his immature antics?  Shouldn't we all take a good look in the past and remember how we acted when we were 21?  Hell, when I was 21, I was doing an internship outside of Annapolis, Maryland during the day while getting drunk at the many bars on the Cheasapeake Bay at night. I wasn't playing a game for a living in front of a national audience. With this said, I decided to follow Manny on his recent trip to his psychiatrist, just to see if I could be of any service. This is a transcript of the 15-minute session:

Doctor:  "It is great to see you again, Manny. Who is your friend?"

Manny:  "This is Brian. He came along to see if he could help with my immature acts and anger management."

Me:  "Hi. I love what you did with players like Paul O'Neill in the past. Are you still treating Carlos Zambrano?"

Manny:  "You know that a psychiatrist has an oath not to talk about his patients or be charged with malpractice!"

Doctor and Me: (Stare at each other)

Doctor:  "So Manny, how have you been?  I have been in Russia for sessions with a certain someone for the past two weeks.  I'm not going to tell you who, but I am definitely not 'PUTIN' you on."  (winks)

Manny:  "Well, this douchebag..."

Doctor:  "Manny, you know that is not a nice word to use when angry. Let's start again."

Manny:  "Well, this, ummm, guy tagged me sort of hard and I got upset.  I felt disrespected."

Doctor:  "Were you really angry about the tag, or was it something else you were keeping in?"

Manny:  "No, Señor. It was the tag."

Me:  "Come on Manny. Open up!"

Manny:  "Well, I have been having a little problem with Señor Ripken lately. He keeps on coming into the locker room after games and bragging about how 'he never sat out a game' and 'he was a better actor than Kevin Costner, that wife-banging jerk'. He's just ALWAYS there. It's like he has no life outside of baseball."

Doctor:  "What upsets you the most about Mr. Ripken?"

Me:  (leaning in for some good stuff)

Manny:  "I would really wish Señor Ripken would stop insisting on showering with us. I don't want to see a 53-year-old man naked!"

Doctor:  "Well, some people might not be so offended by that."  (stares daggers at me)

Me:  "What?"

Doctor:  "Anyway, why does this upset you so much that a simple tag can set you off?"

Manny:  "Well, Josh Donaldson, the guy who tagged me, is also having a better season than me."

Doctor:  "Do you think that is what angers you and not the sight of Mr. Ripken's bare ass?"

Manny:  "It could be, yes.  But Señor Ripken also keeps on telling me that I am not as good as Señor Robinson. Who is this Señor Robinson he speaks of?"

Me:  (googling "Ripken bare ass")

Doctor:  "He must be speaking of Brooks Robinson.  He was a great 3rd baseman for the Orioles before your time."

Me:  "Can we go back to the Ripken shower thing?"

Manny:  "Ah, okay. I wasn't aware that THAT was the same Señor Robinson. I did not know there used to be non-Latino 3rd basemen."

Doctor:  "So what else happened?"

Manny:  "Absolutely nothing."

Me:  "Manny, you need to tell the truth."

Manny:  "Okay, I might have accidentally let go of a bat and let it fly toward third base in one of the next games. My hands were slippery, though."

Me:  "Well, at least they weren't slippery in the shower and you dropped the soap in front of Ripken."

Doctor:  "Brian!  You are not helping!  Manny, are you sure it was an accident?"

Manny:  "Well...."

Doctor:  "Manny, you are in a safe place. Tell me everything."

Manny:  "Okay, it wasn't an accident. But Donaldson wasn't playing third base anymore so it has nothing to do with that. I swear!"

Doctor:  "What happened next?"

Manny:  "Señor Selig suspended me for five games."

Doctor:  "Do you see how your anger cost you?  You lost a lot of respect from people as well. Is that not something you crave?"

Manny:  "Si. But at what cost?"

Me:  "Seriously. Ripken. Shower. Details!"

Doctor:  "So Manny, how do you plan to learn from this experience?"

Manny:  "Put more pine tar on my bat?" (laughs)

Doctor:  "I'm serious, Manny. How can you make sure your anger doesn't rear its ugly head again?"

Manny:  "Well, I guess I could play for the Red Sox. All of their ass-hole moves are instantly called 'gritty' and 'competitive'. It's not like I called baseball a 'war' like Big Papi."

Me:  "You tell 'Em, Manny!"

Doctor:  "Brian!  Shut the hell up!"

Manny:  "Talk about anger, eh Doctor?"

Doctor:  "Sorry. So what else fuels this anger?"

Manny:  "I'm angry because I have to live in Baltimore. Why couldn't I been drafted by a team in a better city?  Baltimore is worse than Miami!"

Doctor:  "Well, sometimes we are put in difficult situations that we don't want to be in. Look at the bright side: you COULD have to live in Houston."

Manny:  "Yes, I suppose. I am making a lot of money. My family is not poor anymore."

Me:  "Do any other former players shower in the locker room?  Do you know any of the Phillies to see if Sandberg does this?"

Doctor:  "Brian, one more outburst and I will ask you to leave."

Manny:  "The real root of my anger is the resurgence of Nelson Cruz."

Doctor:  "And this makes you mad why?"

Manny:  "I am supposed to be the big shot here. No one else. I am supposed to be the guy hitting the home runs and scoring with the ladies and being praised, not him."

Doctor:  "Well, that sounds sort of selfish, Manny. Have you heard of being a good teammate?"

Manny:  "Señor Ripken speaks of double-team, but that only involves his brother and some girl named Lawanda."

Doctor:  "No, no, no. Being a good teammate means being happy for the other players on your team."

Manny:  "Oh, like Kobe Bryant?"

Doctor: (laughs) "No, not him. More like Derek Jeter."

Manny:  "That guy?  What has he ever done?"

Me:  "Well, Jeter has..."

Doctor:  "I will handle this. Jeter has won five World Series and has been the consummate teammate while keeping himself out of trouble.  Is that not what you strive for?"

Manny:  "I'm an Oriole. I'm not sure what this World Series you speak of is."

Me:  "Tell me about it.  I'm a g****** f****** Cubs fan."

Doctor:  "Oh dear lord!  I had no idea. Manny, you will be fine. Just control your anger. Brian, we will spend the remaining 45 minutes on you.  You can leave, Manny.  Please continue, Brian."

Me:  "Well, it started when I was little..."