Dude, what the hell? I put my faith in you and take you first in our Fake Teams fantasy draft and you start the season performing like a Bama field goal kicker? This is not what I needed.
Listen, I don't know much about you but I do know you a.) have kicked butt in the past and b.) have an awesome name. That is all that mattered to me when taking you with the second overall pick all the way back in December.
Luckily, you still have time to raise that horrid .244 average and hit more than seven home runs. Heck, your teammate Nelson Cruz has 19 already. Maybe you should sit around him in the dugout and get some pointers. He could probably help you out with those measly 25 RBIs. Only 25 RBIs at this point in the season? I was expecting that by May 1st.
The best news for you is that I have the more famous Chris Davis, he of Iron Bowl lore, beside me. He is ready to give you a major pep talk. Take it away Mr. Davis:
"My namesake, it is my privilege to be here to speak to you today because I too have struggled. I once had the same 33.5% strike out rate that you are dealing with today and I can tell you, the media was not kind to me. Each play, I felt like I was going against the best of the best, which, considering I played in the SEC, I certainly was. But keep your head up Christopher. Your time to shine will come again. It might be a hot June that gets you going or maybe a week playing against the Cubs and Royals. (I call them my Ole Miss and Mississippi States!) Just know that you are one of the best power hitters to grace this country today. From the cold ocean water of Maine to the hippie-powered Oregon and from the deserted streets of Detroit to the hobo-filled town of Houston, people respect you and know that you are wonderful. Let me just give you one piece of advice: when people say you can only go 100 yards, prove them wrong by running 109, preferably with a football. Seriously, I did that sh*t! Did you see me? I am the frigging MAN! And so YOU CAN BE TOO! Much love!"
Thanks for the words Mr. Davis, or as I like to call him, my FAVORITE PERSON IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!
Where were we? Oh, right. Chris Davis, you have the talent and, I'm not saying I need you to carry my fantasy team full of Darwin Barneys and, somehow, Vance Laws, but it would benefit me greatly. Thanks, and don't let down the name.
(UPDATE: Chris Davis, the former Auburn Tiger, has now filed a formal restraining order against one Brian Stultz. This will join the other restraining orders that Mr. Stultz has received from the likes of Fred Couples, Lou Piniella and Ed Hochuli.)