Poor Jeff Samardzija. If you are in the Chicagoland area today, stop by and try to give him a hug. He deserves it.
What does a guy have to do to get a win? Sell his first-born son? Eat a live chicken? Raise the ghost of Harry Caray with a promise of a case of ice-cold Budweiser? Samardzija is at the point of taking suggestions.
I won't even go into the end of last year. I am just going to talk about this year.
Leading the league with a 1.46 ERA but NO WINS? 1.46? Are you joking? That is lower than Rob Ford's blood-alcohol level after a night out.
Well, I am going to give Samardzija some good news. Here we go:
1. People are cheering for you! No, not for the Cubs, YOU! They want to see you club Starlin Castro over the head with a bat, push Anthony Rizzo off Willis Tower and flip the bird to the entire bullpen. We also want you to win a frigging game. When that happens, we should throw a parade in your honor.
2. Knowing the Cubs and the Ricketts family, you won't be a perennial loser for long. I would start checking out what you look like in pinstripes or nice real estate in the Los Angeles area.
3. Maybe you will end up on the Red Sox and automatically be seen as #BostonStrong. It wasn't the thousands of doctors and volunteers that helped the wounded heal after the Boston Marathon bombing, you know? It was Dustin Pedroia's grittiness and David Ortiz's charm. If the Red Sox put their mind to it, I am sure they could help bring back those kidnapped girls in Nigeria.
4. At least you are doing better than your ex-teammate Brady Quinn. Do you even still talk to him? I bet you blocked his calls, didn't you? I don't blame you. Pulling his deadweight at Notre Dame was a lifetime's worth.
5. In between starts, sit by Rick Renteria and learn how to both speak Spanish AND mismanage a lineup. This will help in your post-playing career. By the way, "Puta" is NOT Spanish for "Junior Lake".
6. Know that you are not the first nor will be the last to suffer at the hands of the Cubs. This is the same franchise that let Cy Young winner Greg Maddux go due to free agency and non-willingness to spend money. If he had stayed a Cub, he would probably be as remembered as Mike Bielecki!
7. If there ever was a time to get away with a murder, this is it. Go out and kill a hobo or ten. The jury will definitely buy the "Cubs have made me go insane" defense. It is about as golden as the Chewbacca defense.
8. Your next start is at AT&T Park in beautiful San Francisco. Even if you do likely get no run support once again, at least you will have one hell of a view.
9. You could be Darwin Barney! He is arguably the greatest defensive second baseman of the last 20 years, but does HE get any credit? NOOOOO! Does Renteria see the advantage of having a vacuum at second base? NOOOOO! Will Renteria ever answer my phone calls or emails? NOOOOO!
10. Lastly, just go out there and have fun. When I was in Little League, I played on some teams that only had one or two good players, including myself. This is your version of that. When your third baseman is more interested in picking tulips or your right fielder is yelling at his mom to get him a Gatorade instead of paying attention to the situation on the field, just remember that those same guys will be meth addicts in 10 years. Well, that was my case anyway.
GO CUBS! FREE JEFF SAMARDZIJA!!!