EPL Fantasy Preview: Match Week 33

That was a great column with a bunch of wonderful fantasy advice last week, wasn't it? Oh, you didn't read it? That's because this guy forgot to post it. It was beautifully written and completed, but for some reason didn't automatically transfer from my Word document to the interwebs. Strange, huh? I blame Fulham's pitiful season on my mistake.

We are getting near the end of the season and there are plenty of drama to come. Who will win the league? Who gets relegated? Who else will get injured, keeping them out of the World Cup for their respective countries? With those questions in mind, let's take a look at who to play and who to bench for this weekend's matches:

Goalkeepers

• Brad Guzan (Aston Villa) - Expect a clean sheet. (VERDICT: PLAY)
• Kelvin Davis (Southampton) - Poor Kelvin. He has to go up against a City squad that is looking to put their stamp on the title race. (VERDICT: BENCH)

Defenders

• Nathaniel Clyne (Southampton) - Same goes for Clyne. It is going to be a busy day for Southampton's defense. (VERDICT: BENCH)
• Ashley Cole (Chelsea) - He's about to get PAID this summer. If Chelsea wants to rebound from their shocking defeat against Crystal Palace, it starts in the back. (VERDICT: PLAY)
• Michael Williamson (Newcastle) - Do people in Newcastle actually DRINK Newcastle? Because Newcastle (the beer) sucks. (VERDICT: PLAY)
• Alex Bruce (Hull City) - It's to the point of the season where I am just trying to put a lineup out. (VERDICT: PLAY)
• Jan Vertonghen (Tottenham Hotspur) - I pity the announcers who have to say some of these names. (VERDICT: PLAY)

Midfielders

• Steve Sidwell (Fulham) - Love you buddy! (VERDICT: PLAY)
• Mousa Dembele (Tottenham Hotspur) - Why does no one talk about how key Dembele can be for Spurs? (VERDICT: PLAY)
• Juan Mata (Manchester United) - Played against the Bayern machine this past Tuesday. He has to be tired. Look for a sluggish effort by United this week. (VERDICT: BENCH)
• Jordan Henderson (Liverpool) - cue DJ Khaled "ALL I DO IS WIN, WIN, WIN NO MATTER WHAT..." That song brings back great memories of Auburn's 2010 National Title. Oh, right. Liverpool in a rout. Henderson is the STULTZ GUARANTEE OF THE WEEK! (VERDICT: PLAY)
• Jordan Mutch (Cardiff City) - Why does it feel like he always scores a goal when I watch Cardiff? (VERDICT: PLAY)
• Matthew Etherington (Stoke City) - If/when Fulham get relegated this year, I plan on adopting a team in the EPL for a year for next season. Stoke is the favorite for that honor. (VERDICT: BENCH)

Forwards

• Wayne Rooney (Manchester United) - What a disgraceful dive by Rooney on Tuesday to earn a red card for Schweinsteiger of Bayern. Karma will come back to haunt Rooney when he goes scoreless the rest of the year. (VERDICT: BENCH)
• Luis Suarez (Liverpool) - If you have him on your roster and keep him on the bench, you should be immediately deported to Siberia. If you already live in Siberia, you are to be deported to North Korea. (VERDICT: PLAY)
• Eden Hazard (Chelsea) - OVER-RATED! (CLAP CLAP CLAP-CLAP-CLAP) (VERDICT: BENCH)
• Steven Naismith (Everton) - SOMEONE has to score for the Toffees, right? (VERDICT: PLAY)
• Olivier Giroud (Arsenal) - One of these days when I get enough free time, I plan on writing a 10,000 word column on why Giroud might be the worst striker in the history of the EPL. That day is not today. (VERDICT: BENCH)
• Nicklas Bendtner (Arsenal) - At least he isn't Giroud. (VERDICT: PLAY)
• Victor Anichebe (West Bromwich Albion) - Can anyone outside of a Baggies fan name the two forwards for West Brom? Of course, THEY are probably going to stay up this year while Fulham will be relegated. The world sucks. (VERDICT: PLAY)

Once again, sorry for being a complete moron and forgetting to post my column last week. I know you suffered without it. Can we still be friends? I still love you guys. Seriously. DON'T DUMP ME!

As always, feel free to email me (brianjstultz@gmail.com) or Tweet me (@brianjstultz) with any questions, comments or advice.