Our esteemed leader Ray Guilfoyle asked us to come up with 10-12 bold predictions for the upcoming MLB season. 10 to 12? That's no fun. Now, I might have had a few beers when I guaranteed to make 105 bold predictions (one for every year since the Cubs last won the World Series), but damn it, I am going to come through. Most will be fantasy related while others will not and a few will be so far out there you will question my sanity. Let's make this happen!
1. Ryan Braun will rebound from his suspension with more than 35 HRs and 110 RBIs.
2. Jewish people throughout the world will once again remind everyone that Ryan Braun is, in fact, NOT Jewish.
3. Adam Wainwright will continue to dominate the NL Central with a career high in wins.
4. Matt Holliday will turn around one day and realize that HE is supposed to be the guy with all the RBIs now. He will curl into a fetal position.
5. In honor of former manager Tony LaRussa, the Cardinals will have "Wino & Merlot Night".
6. St. Louis police will honor Tony LaRussa as well, but by sitting at stoplights waiting for those who took part in "Wino & Merlot Night" to fall asleep at the wheel.
7. The Cubs will finish in last place, causing me to call for a boycott of the Ricketts family, who have NO idea what they are doing.
8. Starlin Castro will continue to not live up to expectations and will request a recliner be put in his position once he completely stops caring.
9. DARWIN BARNEY will hit 10 HRs, solve the Russia/Ukraine crisis and have sex with your mother without you caring because hey, HE'S DARWIN BARNEY!
10. I will say the words "Who the hell is this?" at least 10 times while watching the Cubs before the All-Star break.
11. The Cubs new mascot, Clark, will show up drunk at a game in early June, providing the most embarrassing moment since the Ricketts announced they knew baseball.
12. Joey Votto will lead the NL in walks due to pitchers preferring to deal with Jay Bruce.
13. Joey Votto will wonder what all the Billy Hamilton hype has been about.
14. Joey Votto will be caught daydreaming about a nice cold hockey rink during an extremely hot game in Pittsburgh in July.
15. Francisco Liriano will have a career high in K's and will become popular enough to get Evgeni Malkin's phone number.
16. Andrew McCutchen will have a major decrease in HRs, RBIs and number of sweatbands per arm.
17. The St. Louis Cardinals will win the NL Central by at least seven games.
18. Chris Davis will do his part of keeping the name Chris Davis completely AWESOME by hitting more than 40 HRs.
19. Every time Chris Davis hits a homerun, I will immediately cue up this video (War Eagle!):
20. Brian McCann will immediately endear himself to Yankee fans with a great first half and (FINGERS CROSSED!) by punching Dustin Pedroia.
21. I will receive at least 30 angry comments from guys named Sully saying "YOUUU DAN'T UNDERSTANDDDD HOW HAAHHHDDD PEDROIAAAA PLAYS!"
22. A Blue Jays player will hit for the cycle but will not make the highlights as the Toronto Maple Leafs will have had a bake sale on the same day.
23. Evan Longoria will continue being a complete bad ass by hitting for exactly 69 HRS, 169 RBIs and a 3.69 batting average.
24. David Ortiz will decline in all categories, including "Guy Who Gets Excused The Most for PED Use and Bitching about His Contract".
25. Joe Maddon will be widely criticized for his "Dress Like Your Least Favorite Media Member" road trip idea.
26. A.J. Pierzynski will become the first Caucasian Red Sox to ever be hated by their fan base.
27. My man-crush Don Orsillo, play by play guy for NESN, will continue to ignore me on Twitter.
28. The Red Sox will win the AL East while the Yankees somehow sneak into one of the wild cards.
29. David Wright will hit 25 or more HRs, but 18 of them will be after the 7th inning when the Mets are either up or down by five or more runs.
30. To show a solidarity with their fans, Mets players and management will take the 7 train from Times Square to Citi Field, causing the game to be delayed by 30 minutes.
31. Bryce Harper will struggle during the 1st half of the season before going on a hot streak in August by breaking the record for most hits in a month.
32. Stephen Strasburg will win 17 games and bat over .300.
33. George W. Bush will roll out a "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" banner when the Nationals are leading the NL East by 5 games...in May.
34. The Marlins will continue to flaunt their two World Series championships, causing the city of Cleveland to burn itself down, but on purpose this time.
35. A Florida legislator will propose a bill deeming the home run fountain at Marlins Park "too gay" and ask that it be removed immediately for a stick that pops out of a hole when the Marlins hit a HR.
36. Turner Field, all of 18 years old, will continue to break down structurally wise as the city of Atlanta decides to add eight more lanes to I-75, leading right through the third base stands.
37. Jason Heyward will hit more than 30 HRs as hundreds of "die-hard" Braves fans applaud his effort.
38. Ryne Sandberg will be criticized early by the Philadelphia media, leading to me writing a 4,000 word column on why Philadelphia doesn't deserve Sandberg.
39. Jimmy Rollins will steal more than 35 bases as Sandberg tries to run him into the ground for questioning his authority.
40. The Phillies will win the NL East as Sandberg wins NL Manager of the Year. The Nationals will win a wild card spot.
41. Justin Verlander will NOT win 15 games. MARK IT!
42. Miguel Cabrera will get injured running from the Hamburglar after stealing a collection of Alan Trammel bobble heads at the local McDonald's.
43. Jason Kipnis will top his record of 17 HRs and 84 RBIs as he leads the Indians to 3rd place.
44. On the 25th anniversary of the release of Major League, people will finally realize it is a horrible movie and, hopefully, stop quoting it.
45. Adam Dunn (he's still in the league?) will somehow top his record for strikeouts in a season.
46. I will regret this statement if Adam Dunn's wife, who went to high school with me, reads the previous sentence. Hi Rachel!
47. Alexei Ramirez will top 30 stolen bases.
48. Robin Ventura will make it through the entire season without being reminded of getting his ass kicked by Nolan Ryan. NAH, just joking. DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS!
49. Joe Mauer will keep the Twins interesting with close to a career year by hitting 32 HRs and coming close to batting .400.
50. Twins fans will continue to worship Kirby Puckett: someone who was a horrible, HORRIBLE man.
51. The Chris Rock joke about Prince and Kirby Puckett being the only two black people in Minnesota will be recounted for the 50,000 time by a Twins fan visiting from Minnetonka.
52. Ron Gardenhire will come to the epiphany that he has spent a good part of his life being surrounded by people with horrible accents.
53. Billy Butler will give stocky people everywhere hope when he breaks 25 HRs and 90 RBIs.
54. Even die-hard baseball fans will forget the fact that the Royals actually WON the World Series in 1985. Royals' fans will even forget this at times.
55. The Tigers will win the AL Central by 8 games.
56. Mike Trout will not finish in the top five in the AL HR category.
57. Mike Scioscia will continue to be a big hit in the "bear" community.
58. Robinson Cano will miss the short porch in the Bronx. Okay, maybe that isn't so bold.
59. Seattle fans, after the complete rip-off of the 12th Man, will try to convince the baseball world that they came up with the D.H. rule and pitching mound.
60. Chris Carter will lead the Astros with 29 HRs.
61. Astros fans will continue to be confused when they can't find their team in the NL Central standings.
62. Prince Fielder will break 100 RBIs, driving in Shin-Soo Choo a whopping 53 times alone.
63. Mitch Moreland will continue the family tradition of completely misplaying fly balls.
64. Only Cubs fans will understand the previous statement.
65. Ron Washington will go on a major coke binge after realizing that being drug-free "just frigging blows."
66. Brandon Moss will hit more than 30 HRs and drive in more than 90 runs.
67. Billy Beane will continue to be pissed that, of all actors that could have played him, they chose Brad Pitt.
68. The ghost of Al Davis will appear at an Athletics' night game causing the A's to go into a 16 game losing streak.
69. Josh Reddick will have a career year but will lose his cool after the 15th reporter asks him if he is related to that basketball player from Duke.
70. The Rangers will win the AL West and the A's will grab a wild card spot.
71. Paul Goldschmidt will lead the NL in HRs..
72. Jewish people worldwide will try to claim Paul Goldschmidt as one of their own.
73. Luis Gonzalez will continue to hang around the Diamondbacks dugout hoping that someone, just one person, would recognize him and ask him about the 2001 season.
74. Troy Tulowitzi will continue to be awesome with over 30 HRs and 100 RBIs.
75. The 4-5-6 order of Tulowitzi, Michael Cuddyer and Justin Morneau will give the Rockies the whitest power hitting trio since segregation.
76. Peyton Manning will be asked to throw out the first pitch at the Rockies' home opener. He will shake off the catcher four times before calling timeout.
77. No Padres player will reach 20 HRs or 85 RBIs.
78. Tony Gwynn will show up at a batting practice session but will be asked to leave after smirking at the "great hitters" the Padres have now.
79. Bud Black will continue to be a cool customer and look more like a Brooks Brother model and less like a MLB manager.
80. Clayton Kershaw will win 20 games and lead the league in ERA.
81. Our editor, Ray Guilfoyle, will form his own "The Fan" type relationship with Kershaw.
82. Adrian Gonzalez and Hanley Ramirez will both have 100 RBIs.
83. Yasel Puig will admit that "he doesn't exactly know what the hell he is doing" and that "he preferred Don Mattingly with a mustache".
84. Zack Grienke will hold a press conference where he states that he thought they were playing in Austria, not Australia. He will explain that he has a long standing feud with Austria's President Heinz Fischer.
85. Buster Posey will hit more than 20 HRs while Pablo Sandoval will drive in less than 60 RBIs.
86. Former Giant Will Clark will still be asked to "burn in hell for all of eternity" by yours truly for the 1989 NLCS.
87. Jim Harbaugh will show up for a Giants practice but will then be banned from the facility after punching "that hippie son-of-a-bitch" Tim Lincecum.
88. Hunter Pence will continue to drive everyone crazy with his weird throwing, running and, well, everything motion. What is wrong with him?
89. The Giants will win the NL West while the Dodgers win a wild card spot.
90. The Yankees will beat the Athletics in the AL wild-card playoff as Derek Jeter hits a 9th inning opposite field homerun. People everywhere will freak out thinking it is 1999 again and "OH MY GOD MY COMPUTER IS NOT Y2K COMPLIANT!!!!"
91. The Dodgers will beat the Nationals in the NL wild-card playoff as Dodgers fans will find Bryce Harper in the parking lot pregame and stab him.
92. The Rangers will beat the Red Sox in 4 games and save us from yet another year of Bill Simmons comparing the Red Sox to the Sam-Diane-Rebecca love triangle or how the season was reminiscent of that one season of Real World in New Orleans.
93. The Tigers will beat the Yankees in 5 games after David Robertson blows both Games 1 and 5 of the series when he finally realizes he doesn't have Mariano anymore to save his ass.
94. The Dodgers will beat the Phillies in 5 games. Afterwards, Tommy Lasorda will wake up in an empty Dodger Stadium and think he is the only person left on Earth.
95. The Giants will beat the Cardinals in an epic 5 game series when Mike Matheny tries to outdo his predecessor and bats the pitcher third in the lineup.
96. The Tigers will beat the Rangers in 5 games as Jim Leyland finally says "screw it!" and pitches Justin Verlander every game.
97. The Giants will beat the Dodgers in 6 games as Puig is called back to Cuba to fight for his motherland in the ongoing war against Ecuador.
98. The Tigers will win the World Series, bringing economic development back to Detroit and making it a major force once again just like the Saints winning the Super Bowl "built all those new homes in New Orleans" and made "all of the damage from Hurricane Katrina disappear".
99. I will finish last in the FakeTeams.com fantasy league, causing many to wonder whether I have ever watched baseball in the first place.
100. Terry Francona will be fired after the season for sending nude shots of him in front of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to female reporters.
101. Trivia Question (Winner Gets To Manage My Lineup for One Week): What was Ryne Sandberg's all-time fielding percentage?
102. MVPs: Buster Posey (NL), Miguel Cabrera (AL)
103. Cy Young: Matt Cain (NL), Hiroki Kuroda (AL)
104. No one will be reading this article by this sentence.
105. I will never be asked to write a "Bold Predictions" column for Fake Teams ever again.