clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Andy Dalton Attends Ginger Quarterback Anonymous

The Ginger Quarterback Anonymous group threw an intervention for Andy Dalton. This is what occurred

Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports

Andy D.: I thought you said we were going to Skyline for some chili?

Carson P.: Don't worry.  This is better for you in the long run.  Trust me.

(Both walk into building and enter a conference room.)

Andy D.: What is this?

Jeff G.: This, Andy, is Ginger Quarterbacks Anonymous.  We want to welcome you.

Andy D.: What am I doing here?  Is this some sort of intervention?  I don't need help!

Brandon W.: I said the same thing, Andy.  I was a 28-year-old first round draft pick.  I thought I knew it all.

Jordan P.: That's right.  You are here because we think we can help.

Andy D.: Help?  I played amazing yesterday.  It's not my fault the defense gave up so many points.

Carson P.: Tsk, tsk.  Let's not start playing the blame game.  Let's look at what's really going inside.

Andy D.: Dude!  I have been to the playoff all three times in my first three years.  What else do you expect?

Jeff G.: And how did you fare in those games?

Andy D.: Well, not very well, but we are learning.

Jordan P.: We?  Have you not seen the tape?  Must we watch it now?

Carson P.: Settle down, my brother.  We will get to that point.

Andy D.: So why have you brought me here?

Carson P.: It is because of your inability to perform when it really matters, especially in primetime.

Andy D.: Well, it's not ALL my fault...

Jeff G.: See!  There you go again.  Blaming other people for your problems.

Carson P.: So what goes through your mind when you enter these primetime games, Andy?

Andy D.: I take it one game at a time.  I treat it like every other game.

Brandon W.: Stop with the damn clichés!  We have heard them all before!

Andy D.: Well, if you want to go deeper, I think I have a problem playing in night games because, well....

Jordan P.: Yes?

Andy D.: It's because my hair doesn't shine as bright as in the sunshine during the day.  We redheads have a major advantage during the day by blinding our opponents with our hair when not wearing our helmet.  They can't recover fast enough from the glare.

Jeff G.: We call that the Ronald McDonald Effect.

Andy D.: Yes, so I feel like I am at a disadvantage.  What about you guys?

Carson P.: Well, I can sort of feel what you are saying, but then again, I am more worried about getting another knee injury.

Jordan P.: Me, too.  I am worried about Carson getting another knee injury as well because, well, a team will only sign me if he is on the team.  My future sort of depends on him.

Carson P.: Speaking of which, have you done my laundry yet?  It's the least you can do.

Jordan P.: Yes, sir.

Brandon W.: I always thought my problem was either being stuck in Cleveland or just being outright old.  I never got the chance to play in a night game because, well, I played for the Browns at first.

Jeff G.: I got better as I shaved my head.  I was not relying on the glare effect anymore.  I put more personal responsibility on me.

Andy D.: How did that work out, Jeff?

Jeff G.: Well, people mostly just started questioning my sexuality, so I say a push.

Andy D.: They wouldn't do that to ME!  I have a hot wife!

Brandon W.: Wake up, Andy.  She isn't attracted to you for your looks.  She is after the money!

Jordan P.: I wish I could find a girl that wanted my money.

Carson P.: Why? You don't make enough!

(Everyone laughs.)

Andy D.: So, what else can I do to better perform in the clutch?

Carson P.: Well, I would stay away from dirty Steelers' defensive players, I can tell you that much.

Jordan P.: I feel you, brother.

Carson P.: Shut up and go get the laundry, Jordan.

Brandon W.: I would recommend another sport, although there is a slight chance you might.....Jeff, are you rubbing my neck?

Jeff G.: I swear I love women!

Carson P.: Anyway, I think it is time that we look at your last three playoff games.  Are you mentally prepared for this?

Andy D.: I think so.

(90 minutes pass, and no one says a word.)

Carson P.: So, thoughts?

Brandon W.: How do you fumble without being touched?

Jeff G.: Is J.J. Watt dating anyone?  I'm asking for a friend.

Jordan P.: Do you not realize you have A.J. Green?  Why are you continually throwing it to Jermaine Gresham?  He couldn't catch Ebola in West Africa right now!

Andy D.: Shut up.  What have YOU guys done?

Carson P.: That is precisely the point of why you are here.  You, our fellow redheaded quarterback, are our last chance.  If you fail, all redheaded quarterbacks that follow you will never have the chance due to all of our failures.  You MUST pull through victorious!

(Door opens)

Roger G: WHAT'S UP????  Roger G. in the HOUSE!

Jordan P.: God, not him.

Jeff G.: Sh*t.  It's the boss.

Carson P.: Sorry, Roger.  Crisis Management for Dummies is taught down the hall.