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A Pep Talk for Wayne Rooney

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Wayne Rooney doesn't seem like his old self. I hope this cheers him up.

Robert Mayer-USA TODAY Sports

On Saturday, after Manchester United earned a draw with Aston Villa, a reporter started out his interview with Wayne Rooney with, "Just one of those days?"

Let's not focus on how terrible of a question that is, but on how Rooney reacted after.  He agreed with the reporter.  WHAT?  Wayne Rooney, the same fiery guy that United fans (I am not among them) have grown to love, just accepted a draw against lowly Aston Villa?  What the hell is going on here?  I don't like this Rooney.  I mean the man once kicked a guy in the groin...in a WORLD CUP MATCH!  The important thing about this is that it wasn't subtle at all.  It was right out there for the world to see.  He basically said, "Screw you!  I'm sick of this guy's crap.  He's getting kicked in the balls."  I have had a special place in my heart for Rooney since this.

Now, I think Rooney needs a pep talk.  United failed to finish in the top four last year, haven't done much in the Champions League lately and have fallen behind their city counterpart in Manchester City.  Here are a few things that I think will help Mr. Rooney cheer up:

1.     You have hair now!  No, seriously, your hair transplants look amazing.  No one can tell that it isn't your real hair.  We promise.  We aren't making jokes about it at all.  We are enjoying the fact that you went through the painful process of having hair put literally into your head.  I have had staples in my head before.  It is not a fun thing to do.  We all commend you on this!

2.     Andy Rooney died three years ago.  You are now, by far, the most famous Rooney even in America!  Doesn't this excite you?  Doesn't this make you feel warm and fuzzy inside?

3.     Your England side performed great at the Wor....wait, scratch that.  Your England side MADE the World Cup!  Sure, you didn't get to the knockout rounds, but there are a LOT of countries that didn't even get to travel to Brazil.  I mean, Azerbaijan and Sudan would have loved to been in Brazil in your place.

4.     It's not like Piers Morgan's Arsenal side is doing anything either.  If you ever feel like going on a groin-kicking spree again, you will become even more popular in the United State if you kick Piers in his junk.  (Full disclosure:  I LOVE Piers Morgan.  I think he is entertaining, smart and puts up with a lot of crap from Americans based on his point of view on gun control.  Following him on Twitter is a must if you like to see someone completely lose it during an Arsenal match.)

5.     Robin van Persie is on your team!  If you are ever to win anything, you have to get rid of van Persie.  The guy couldn't beat Accrington Stanley if a title was on the line.

6.     You haven't been found with a transvestite hooker for quite some time now.  Give yourself a round of applause!  That is a hard habit to break.  I know from experience.

7.     Liverpool hasn't won the league since you were a little kid.  Doesn't that make your heart fill up with joy?  I know how much the scousers love you.  Listen to me Wayne.  You will never walk alone as long as you listen to me.

8.     I'm pretty sure Drake is a United fan.  He tends to jump on bandwagons, so he might be wearing a City jersey now, but if you win the league again, I am sure Drake will try to get in the dressing room and take some pictures.  Oh, and that "UK is my favorite current team because they are winning" shirt that Drake is wearing doesn't mean the United Kingdom.  Your UK hasn't won much of anything lately.  (Congrats on Prince Harry, though!  What a cutie pie!)

9.     Opposing fans like to call you Shrek.  Why would you take that as an insult?  Shrek is an absolutely hilarious movie!  Have you seen it?  I am sure you have now that you have children.  That movie has made billions of dollars!  I would take that name and run with it.  It's better than being called Bald Ball Stomper.

10. Finally, remember that you can always go back to Everton.  I'm sure Tim Howard would love to tell you all about how awesome it was to play in the knockout rounds of the 2014 World Cup!

I speak straight from the heart, Wayne, and want to see you get back to that passionate guy who scored big goals at big moments in big matches.  Oh, and if all else fails, you can come to London and help Fulham get promoted back to the Premier League.  Please?