Injury Report: Hamstring, hamstrung, hamstrought

So there's this weird guy who owns a deli. As he approaches his millionth customer, he wants to rig up a cool system to celebrate. So he suspends all sorts of pig meats in the ceiling, and plans to pull a cord to release them when the big moment comes. He has to close for a couple weeks to set it all up, because it's so complicated.

Unfortunately, before the big day, a young boy sees the release cord and gives it a yank, releasing everything before it was supposed to go. The shop owner sighs, locks his doors, and puts a sign in the window:

"WILL BE BACK IN FIFTEEN DAYS OR MORE," it says, "PULLED HAM STRING."

And now, I want to apologize for the worst, most labor-intensive joke I have ever written. It's pretty shameful. If I was going to do it, I probably should have gone with Jon Hamm and not just a mass of pork. My shame, though, is borne of the realization that the punchline - "Will be back in fifteen days or more. Pulled hamstring" - was true of something like 95% of baseball in the past week. Or perhaps the percentage just felt that high, but still. Hamstrings were pulled right and left (literally, as it turns out) around the league, and they were some quite famous hamstrings at that.

Extra innings nabbed several health points from players Monday. In the Mets-Marlins 15-inning game, Giancarlo Stanton left with a right hamstring injury. It was, according to the MRI, a relatively severe hamstring injury, and guesses have him missing more than the minimum time, perhaps significantly more. You aren't replacing Stanton's production - at least, not the production of a normal Giancarlo Stanton - so if you've lost him from your fantasy team, the best you can hope for is creative jigsaw-ing. There's Jeff Baker, who is producing against lefty pitcher for the Rangers and will be getting more time as David Murphy struggles. There's Marcell Ozuna, Stanton's replacement and a 22-year-old prospect who has looked good so far, albeit it in only 19 can't-possible-draw-any-conclusions plate appearances. You aren't going to replace Stanton's production, but enough creativity can at least keep you from being devastated.

In Monday's other marathon game, meanwhile, there was...well, just look:

That's just dirty. All four players hit the DL, with Crisp and Bourjos held up with hamstring injuries. Crisp was overperforming pretty drastically before his injury, so what this really robs you of is your best chance to sell high. Young and Bourjos were only desperation plays anyway, and you had to assume you'd lose Anderson at some point, unfortunately.

In other big-name news - and also in news that was just devastating to Ray Guilfoyle, our fearless leader here at Fake Teams - you Hanley Ramirez owners got 12 whole plate appearances out of him upon his injury return. The good news is that his injury doesn't appear to be nearly as significant as Stanton's, and he might be out closer to the minimum. And anyway, by now you certainly already know your "How do I live without Hanley?!" strategy.

Oh, hey! Brian Roberts might be back from his hamstring injury soon! I hope it sticks.

Okay, I'm done with hamstrings now. Let's talk about other, though no less depressing, injuries.

Roy Halladay is scheduled to meet with Dr. Lewis Yocum sometime today (Monday) as he deals with shoulder discomfort. Halladay owners must be completely torn about that. On the one hand, an injury would explain why he's been awful so far. On the other, a visit to Yocum could easily mean no more 2013 Halladay. At least you'd definitely know where you stand with him. You have my sympathies.

In Toronto, Josh Johnson landed on the DL after feeling discomfort. It was retroactive to April 29, so he might only miss another week or so. On the other hand, he has been similarly awful this year. It's another conundrum that no one really has an answer for as yet.

Andrew Bailey won the Red Sox closer role while Joel Hanrahan was on the DL, then promptly came down with right biceps soreness and has been missing time. It's unknown yet if he'll hit the DL, but he's Andrew Bailey. One way or another, he doesn't seem to have the ability to stay healthy. If I had room for only one of Bailey or Hanrahan, I would opt for Hanrahan, just for health reasons.

Johnny Cueto appears to have suffered a setback in his return from his lat injury, with oblique soreness that scratched him from his rehab start Friday. For Cueto owners, this doesn't change a lot - if you've got him, you're just stuck waiting until his return, whenever it is - but this might provide clarity for Tony Cingrani owners. If Cingrani continues to produce during a longer big-league stay, it'll get to the point where the Reds can't demote him; if his success stops, they'll be able to send him down with no worries. I can't tell you what the answers will be, but at least there will be answers.

Finally, Matt Harrison went through another back surgery last week, and who knows when he's returning for the Rangers. If you were still sitting on him in your DL slot, I think it's totally safe to drop him now.

I'm still sorry for that joke.

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