EPL Week 12 Fantasy Preview

The World Cup teams are set and once again, that damn Ghana team made it and will probably knock the U.S.A. out for the third straight time.  What did we ever do to you Ghana?  Why you mad?  And how do you have our number?  Quit picking on us.  BULLY!

Anyway, after an off week that was filled with both international friendlies, World Cup qualifying playoffs and yours truly having a heart attack after the "Prayer at Jordan-Hare", we are back to EPL action this week.  Let's take a look:

Goalkeepers

-          Tim Howard (Everton) - Is there anything better right now with the US National Team than Howard's beard?  I mean, besides the downright sexiness of Jurgen.  It's a Merseyside derby this week and look for Howard to keep the Reds out of the net. (VERDICT: PLAY)

-          Artur Boruc (Southampton) - "Oh when the Saints, go marching in..."  Southampton is the real deal.  HOWEVER, they lose to an even bigger real deal in Arsenal this week.  (VERDICT: BENCH)

Defenders

-          Phil Jones (Manchester United) - Can someone give this guy some credit?  I know it is hard to acknowledge him when you have Rooney and van Persie to talk about but seriously, Phil Jones is an excellent player.  (VERDICT: PLAY)

-          Laurent Koscielny (Arsenal) - In a big game against Southampton, Arsenal's defense will keep the Saints scoreless and stay at the top of the table.  (VERDICT: PLAY)

-          Philippe Senderos (Fulham) - GAHHHHHHHHH!!!!  (VERDICT: BENCH)

-          James Chester (Hull City) - If he plays, he shall score.  STULTZ GUARANTEE OF THE WEEK!  (VERDICT: PLAY)

Midfielders

-          Yohan Cabaye (Newcastle) - Fun name, fun player.  It almost sounds like Ali chant from the Rumble in the Jungle.  Unless I am pronouncing it wrong which is highly likely.  (VERDICT: PLAY)

-          Pajtim Kasami (Fulham) - Wait.....what is that.....no way, it couldn't be.....OH MY GOD IT IS ANOTHER STULTZ GUARANTEE OF THE WEEK!  Come On You Whites!  (VERDICT: PLAY)

-          Jack Colback (Sunderland) - "Hit the road Jack, and don't you Col-Back no more, no more, no more, no more..."  Don't worry, I do not get paid to write this stuff.  (VERDICT: BENCH)

-          Junior Oscar Dos Santos Emboaba (Chelsea) - Phew.  Now I know why he goes by just Oscar.  Look for Chelsea to run through and around West Ham this weekend.  (VERDICT: PLAY)

-          Mile Jedinak (Crystal Palace) - It was fun having a team like Crystal Palace up this year.  I think it is back to the Championship League next season.  (VERDICT: BENCH)

-          Aaron Ramsey (Arsenal) - I put Ramsey here just out of courtesy for my man Joe Swart.  You know, that long-time suffering Gooner since 2013.  He was nice enough to invite me to have Thanksgiving dinner with his family on Thursday.  Of course, he does have two evil kids that like to punch me so I'm not sure if the invitation was a good thing or not.  Anyway, Ramsey scores.  Again.  (VERDICT: PLAY)

Forwards

-          Dimitar Berbatov (Fulham) - NOOOOOOOOO....you can't....OH YES I CAN!  BERBASOL WILL SCORE THIS WEEK!  STULTZ GUARANTEE #3!  (VERDICT: PLAY)

-          Robin van Persie (Manchester United) - We are closing in on 7 months to go until the 2014 World Cup.  Van Persie might as well start choking now.  (VERDICT: BENCH)

-          Luis Suarez (Liverpool) - Nope.  Not going to happen this week Mike Tyson Jr.  (VERDICT: BENCH)

-          Romelu Lukaku (Chelsea) - Just play him.  DO IT!  (VERDICT: PLAY)

-          Craig Bellamy (Cardiff City) - I'm not the only one who sits around watching Cardiff play and openly rooting for Bellamy to get injured, am I?  (VERDICT: BENCH)

I hope all the Americans reading this have a great Thanksgiving and stay away from the Black Friday shopping where people trample each other to death for a toy that their kid will break within 10 minutes of opening it.  I know this might be an EPL column but, after what happened this past Saturday, I HAVE to close with this.  ENJOY! (War Eagle!)