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Monday Night Football: A Chippy Slobberknocker

Well that Raiders and Broncos game sure was chippy wasn't it? On a scale from not chippy at all to chippy chipperton, I give game 2 of Monday Night Football opening weekend a chipple double. How much chip could a wouldchip chip if a wouldchip could chipchip?

If you didn't watch the Raiders-Broncos game last night then you probably have no idea what I am talking about. There's two reasons for my chippy rant: 1. Yes, the two teams seemed to get in fights on every other play and it was a dirty game. 2. Trent Dilfer, "commentator," either has no idea what he is doing or he really misses his childhood dog "Chippy."

I tried not to overtweet during the games (@casetines) last night but the broadcasting crews refused to allow that. After Ron Jaworski decided to drop an S-bomb in the Patriots-Dolphins game, Dilfer decided he wouldn't be topped in the battle for "Worst calls of the night."

There are several dangers in scheduling two games on Monday night, the games grandest regular season stage, and one of them is that you can only have Ron Jaworski, Jon Gruden, and Mike Tirico at one of them. Personally, you can just give me Gruden and Tirico and I'll be set, but at least you get Gruden. I like Gruden because he's knowledgable, kind of funny, and sometimes says some of the craziest stuff you'll hear all week. He's basically still on the same career path as John Madden. I can't wait to play Gruden 2031 on the PS19.

But Dilfer has a long ways to go before he gets noticed for doing anything besides being bad, which makes it almost exactly like his playing career.

After the jump I will break down the fantasy notes from last nights game, but more importantly break down the definition of the word "Slobberknocker"

I will admit that when Trent Dilfer called the game a "real slobberknocker" that I thought he was just pulling random words out of his ass, but it turns out this really is a thing. Urban dictionary defines it as: "a fierce and violent fight amongst two people, or a number of participants that eventually turns into a full-fledged donnybrook!"

Still, this word brings up many images but one of them is not "Raiders and Broncos" Here's what I think of when I think of slobberknocker:

  • Chippy Slobberknocker sounds like the quarterback of the 1903 Chattanooga Tumbleweeds. Facts about Slobberknockers 1903 season: He led the league in passing yards with 36. He signed a 1-year, $5.15 contract. The deal would be worth $6.50 in incentives if Slobberknocker also spent 30 hours a week in the Chattanooga coal mines but would become void if he contracted syphilis.
  • Slobberknocker is Trent Dilfer's screenname on AOL. He would later be fooled by Perverted Justice where he swore he was only coming over to the house "to talk." He did however accept a glass of sweet tea.
  • One of the most popular B-movies of the 1970's, Slobberknockers was directed by Russ Meyer and starring Chippi Rose as a large-breasted monster that would destroy cities with her triple-Z cans. Slobberknockers versus Megashark is in pre-production.

Praised for Good Practices All Week Long, Patriots and Dolphins Give Defenses the Game Off

Far be it from me than to tell NFL coaches what to do, but I really think football is a more complete sport when you play defense. Tom Brady already has about half as many yards as what Jason Campbell will have all season after he threw for 517 of them and 4 TDs. Though he carved up the Miami "defense" all game long, the most devastating blow was a 99-yard TD pass to Wes Welker in the fourth quarter that should have never happened.

That TD pass broke a lot of hearts and had just as many people on the other side jumping for joy. Consider me one of the heartbroken. My personal story is that I had a 113-26 lead going into Monday Night with my opponent holding Brady, Welker, BenJarvus Green-Ellis, Rob Gronkowski, and Dan Carpenter. In what can only be described as "terrible, terrible, awful, stupid strategy" I should have been able to walk away with a victory. You don't load up on one teams offense. Still, he was creeping up.

With Miami down 14 in the fourth quarter, the Dolphins squeaked into the end zone which meant they would just kick off and the Patriots would hopefully plays strategical run-down-the-clock offense that would keep my then 13-point lead safe. Unfortunately that TD was reviewed and overturned and it was 4th and goal from inside the one for the Dolphins. They racked up 500 yards of total offense but couldn't get one more stupid yard, made a terrible play call, and turned it over on downs.

Okay, so if the Patriots were on the 5-yard line, then this never happens. But because they are trapped on their one, Miami brings the house, which means all Brady has to do is lob it over the defense and its an NFL record. Thanks Dolphins, you are terrible.

How many of you were jumping for joy and how many of your were screaming at the television at that moment?

In other news of the game, Aaron Hernandez and Rob Gronkowski were still both valuable in the battle of "which New England tight end do I use?" Well, its not every game that Brady will throw for 500 yards, but the answer is probably still "both." Don't be afraid to use Hernandez (103 yards, 1 TD) or Gronkowski (86 yards, 1 TD) because they'll both get targets and this is tight end. Most tight ends on most teams will have games where they don't get targeted as much. There are only a couple of elite tight ends, and even Jermichael Finley disappeared after the first quarter last Thursday. Feel free to be happy with either Patriot tight end.

Meanwhile, how long will Chad Ochocinco stay quiet while he's only getting a couple of targets a game? All that offense and he ended up with 1 catch for 14 yards. If you drafted Ochocinco to be your numero dos you are feeling mighty stupido.

Lost in the shuffle for about 2 minutes until everybody started talking about it was that Chad Henne basically matched Tom Brady. If not for the field-long bomb, they basically had the same amount of yards with Henne finishing at 416. For those people that think Henne is a bad quarterback, or at least a bad quarterback play because of the Dolphins offense, Henne topped 300 yards 6 times over the last two seasons. That's three more times than Matt Cassel over that period of time. That's one less time than Eli Manning. That's four more times than Matt Ryan.

If the Dolphins keep giving up this many points, then Henne is going to keep attempting 50 passes per game. He's a good backup QB to have just in case and in certain game situations he's startable.

From a fantasy perspective, the most interesting player might have been the guy who was not there. I cautioned against spending early picks on rookie running backs because of their boom or bust potential. One week into the NFL season and so far Daniel Thomas's resume reads: 1 missed game, 1 bum hamstring, 1 offense that just threw the ball 36 more times than they handed it off.

Nobody really knew of Thomas before the preseason, and then the fantasy drafts started happening and word of "who is the starting running back for the Dolphins" started getting spread. That's when people realized that Miami drafted a running back in the 2nd round this year and then Thomas was a big jumper on draft boards. Thomas still has a long time to get things going this season, but it's not a good start. Especially considering how the Dolphins looked last night. I'd probably trade one of my backup players for Thomas right now, but only in a buy-low mindset knowing that it might never pay off.

Also worth noting is that Brandon Marshall had 7 catches for 139 yards. Marshall doesn't get noticed nearly as much as he did in Denver, but he's still a very solid player and can still put up WR1 numbers on occasion. The biggest issue last season was his 3 TD catches, and again he was held scoreless last night. But if you watched the game you saw Marshall fall 1 yard short of the end zone on one play. Then targeted twice at the goal-line on that same drive. They're not "Forgetting Brandon Marshall," he's just matching up with the oppositions best corner on most possessions.

Raiders and Broncos Play Terrible Football Game: Why Did the NFL Schedule the Chippy Slobberknocker as the Finale? Blame Tebow.

I don't want to call Broncos fans stupid, but did you really chant for Tim Tebow last night? Really? For anyone that was at the stadium that was actually watching the game, I hope you told anyone wearing a Tebow jersey or chanting for Tebow in the fourth quarter that the only people who should be wearing a helmet are the players and anyone who thinks Tim Tebow would do better than Kyle Orton.

Orton was sacked four times and rushed on just about every other throw, and he still managed to keep the Broncos close up until the end of the game. The Raiders defensive line looked great, the Broncos offensive line looked bad, and that's pretty much the only explanation you need as to why Kyle Orton was only 24 of 46 with 1 TD. Other than the fumbled that slipped right out of his hands, Orton can not be solely to blame for this loss and he still topped 300 yards with a score which made him more valuable in fantasy than a lot of other guys.

Also want to point out the performance of two Denver wide receivers. Brandon Lloyd was seen as a guy who played way over his head last season when he led all WR in fantasy points after a long career of being mediocre. Because of that he slipped mostly into "WR2" categories, which I thought was a steal. Lloyd came out with 6 catches for 89 yards, but more importantly he still looked like a #1 WR to me. He won't match his numbers from last season, but 70 catches for 1,200 yards and 10 scores looks about right to me.

The breakout player of the game was Eric Decker. Not just because of his punt return for a touchdown but also because he looked like a way above-average receiver on his 3 catches for 53 yards. They weren't easy catches but he still managed to haul them in. Couple that with his punt-return ability and Decker could have a breakout season. He's in his 2nd year after being a third-round pick out of Minnesota.

A lot of people were monitoring the Knowshon Moreno - Willis McGahee situation and we learned very little. The Broncos couldn't run the ball with anyone and they handed it off 12 times unsuccessfully.

What we learned about the Raiders is that Darren McFadden could join the ranks of the leagues elite RBs this year and that Oakland has zero vertical passing game. McFadden ran for 150 yards on 22 carries, including a 47-yard carry that fell inches short of a touchdown in the fourth quarter. I can imagine that this either ruined your night or saved your night because Michael Bush would take over from there and for the rest of the game.

Meanwhile, Jason Campbell only had a few deep throws on the night and the only one I can vividly remember was about 15 yards away from his intended receiver. There was a lot of talk about Denarius Moore as a sleeper for the Raiders, and he only got 1 target on the night which was short and badly thrown by Campbell.

Mike Gallagher and I were looking for a big game from Jacoby Ford. He was used a lot early and then disappeared from the action. Ford showed his big speed ability but I'm not sure he has any idea where he's going once he turns the burners on.

In conclusion, this was a pretty terrible game to watch. There were 6 fumbles, 1 interception, 25 penalties, 32 incomplete passes, and Trent Dilfer. The two quarterbacks combined to throw for less yards than Chad Henne and the highlight was a 63-yard field goal by Sebastian Janikowski. Oh yeah, did I mention it was also chippy the entire time?

If you want to get in on the twitter fun with me, and I think we had a great time last night, add me @casetines