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The NFL's Worst Christmas Gifts: Part 1 - The AFC

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Like any fantasy football fanatic, you're fully focused on the fantasy playoffs and you probably haven't had time to do many other things.  For example, you may not have had time to pay the rent this month, or go to work, or shower.   And you almost certainly haven't had time to shop for Christmas gifts.  Christmas.  Christmas!  The holiday?  Yes, it's only a week away!  Well damn, you'd better get started then!

Not to worry, here at Fake Teams we have you covered.   I've shopped all the NFL team sites to bring you a selection of the worst team Christmas gifts available.   Today I'll cover the wasteland of good taste known as the AFC.   So have a cup of eggnog (better make it two), put on your Santa hat, and let's go shopping!

(Hat tip to UK soccer site Football365 for the idea)


In case you thought I was making this up

Baltimore
Ceramic Soup Tureen w/Ladle - $76.00
Would be useful in a soup kitchen, if you were planning to serve it up to the poor and destitute.  Like the Dolphins for example.

Buffalo
Buffalo Bills Plush Sneaker Slippers - $28.00
Nice and quiet so you can sneak up on the playoffs.  Not very useful in the snow though.

Cincinnati
Apron w/ Trim - $12.00
I don't care what the description says, you're not getting any trim if you're wearing a Bengals apron.

Cleveland
Dawg Crib Mobile - $55.00
Young ones need simple developmental tools like this to help them understand the world around them.  I understand it's done wonders for Brady Quinn.

Denver
Tailgater Belt Buckle Bottle Opener - $24.99
I don't know where you're more likely to see this, outside Invesco Field or in a gay cabaret show.  What guy is going to wear something on his waist that says "Open Here" with two hands pointing to his junk?!  OK, maybe Travis Henry, but that's it.  


The bottle goes where?!

Houston
Houston Texans Dartboard With Darts  - $55.00
Contrary to what people think, this isn't how the Texans select their draft picks.    

Indianapolis
Brass Door Knocker - $59.99
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Tom.
Tom Who?
Tom Brady here to take your championship away! Ha-ha!
F^^k you Brady!

Jacksonville
Jacksonville Jaguars Pacifier with Clip - $7.95
It's never too early to start introducing your infant child to the Jaguars...because the team may need them to suit up at QB next week.

Kansas City
Toddler Larry Johnson Short Sleeve T-Shirt - $16.99
Your toddler probably cries and stamps their feet until they get what they want.  Once they get it they quickly become bored, then they take a nap.  Just like Larry Johnson!

Miami
Dolphin Sports Nutcracker - $17.99
As if being a Dolphins fan doesn't bust your balls enough.

New England
Pats 27 Exposure Flash Camera - $14.95
Don't leave stealing the opponent's defensive signals to the professionals!  Now you can contribute too!

NY Jets
New York Jets Classic Sofa  - $860.00
What's soft and squishy and covered in green fabric and has two great big cushions?  Mangino's chest.  Oh, and also this Jets couch. It's probably easier to clean spilled beer off the couch though.

Oakland
Raiders Minnow Fishing Lure - $6.99
What kind of stupid fish would be lured to their death by a goofy Raiders lure?  Other than Monte Kiffin I mean.

Pittsburgh
Leather Steering Wheel Cover - $34.95  
Helps you grip on to the steering wheel so you can drive safely.  It's a shame it doesn't come in a version for motorcycles though.

San Diego
PS3 Wireless Controller - $79.99
During actual NFL games, LaDanian Tomlinson is controlled by a device very similar to this one.

Tennessee
Personalized Engraved Luggage Tag - $12.99
A thoughtful and appropriate gift for any member of the Titans backfield.