I was wandering through the internets this evening when I happened across this article from McSweeney's, asking about a true fantasy baseball team. I had no choice but to pass it along...
What would your ideal fantasy-baseball lineup be if you had to create it using only characters from classic Nintendo video games?
Kudos to Rick Paulas for undertaking such a daunting task, one far too complicated for the minds of most men. I've included his selections for the lineup, pitching staff and manager below, as well as a selection of his reasons behind each choice, though if you like what you see I seriously recommend checking out the original article in its entirety.
Lineup:
1. Mega Man, CF
While Mega Man's defense has always been lauded for his high-flying acrobatics and his arm cannon, his true value is as a leadoff hitter. He rarely hits .250, but his suit of armor allows him to crowd the plate, accumulating an average of 243 painless hit-by-pitches a year. And don't worry about Craig Biggio's legal team and their pursuit to strike Mega Man's HBPs from the record books; the Man cares not about records, only championships.
- Link from Zelda, SS
- Bald Bull from Mike Tyson's Punch Out, DH
- Donkey Kong Jr., RF
- Thomas from Kung Fu, 3B
- Dog from Duck Hunt, 1B
Despite having the reputation as a "clubhouse cancer"--one gotten from always laughing at others, no matter how serious the issue--the large canine is an annual Gold Glove recipient. However, his batting leaves much to be desired, as he continues to ignore the advice from the batting instructor to grow opposable digits.
- Kirby from Kirby's Big Adventure, C
- Toad from Super Mario Brothers, LF
- Mario from Super Mario Brothers, 2B
The stocky plumber gets a lineup spot because of his much-admired defense (he is constantly mentioned in steroid rumors because of his vertical leap), his clubhouse leadership, and his hilarious accent. But his offense is horrendous, mostly due to his refusal to give up his plunger.
Rotation
- Samus Aran from Metroid
- Simon Belmont from Castlevania
- King Bowser from Super Mario Brothers
An innings-eater in the David Wells vein, Bowser's main pitch is his fastball, reaching into the mid-120s and actually catching on fire. Unfortunately, he also takes after Wells in another respect: hard drinking. Management looks the other way with his alcoholism, though, as the 180-proof liquor keeps his cold-blooded reptilian body warm in the chilly October nights of the postseason.
- Luigi from Super Mario Brothers
- Great Tiger from Mike Tyson's Punch Out
Middle Relief
Glass Joe from Mike Tyson's Punch Out
Closer
Pit from Kid Icarus
Manager
Donkey Kong
Ozzie Guillen-esque in his inability to convey audible words or coherent directions to his team, the grizzled veteran succeeds by being a much-needed stoic presence during the long season. And when his players disagree with a call, Kong backs them as any good manager would. Unfortunately, now and then he overreacts and throws barrels at them, forcing him to watch the rest of the game on TV.
Agree? Disagree? If you're not so sure about this lineup, then tell us in the comments who should make up the bench.
Now, I wonder if using the Konami Code before each game will give each team a few extra strikes to work with...
IRREFUTABLE ROSTER OF CHARACTERS FROM CLASSIC NINTENDO GAMES [McSweeney's]
