A Psychiatrist Session with Manny Machado

Joy R. Absalon-USA TODAY Sports

I decided to tag along with Manny Machado to his latest psychiatrist session. This is what occurred.

It's hard to grow up.  We all know this.  Manny Machado is learning this the hard way and in front of a national audience. Should we blame the 21-year-old 3rd baseman for the Orioles for his immature antics?  Shouldn't we all take a good look in the past and remember how we acted when we were 21?  Hell, when I was 21, I was doing an internship outside of Annapolis, Maryland during the day while getting drunk at the many bars on the Cheasapeake Bay at night. I wasn't playing a game for a living in front of a national audience. With this said, I decided to follow Manny on his recent trip to his psychiatrist, just to see if I could be of any service. This is a transcript of the 15-minute session:

Doctor:  "It is great to see you again, Manny. Who is your friend?"

Manny:  "This is Brian. He came along to see if he could help with my immature acts and anger management."

Me:  "Hi. I love what you did with players like Paul O'Neill in the past. Are you still treating Carlos Zambrano?"

Manny:  "You know that a psychiatrist has an oath not to talk about his patients or be charged with malpractice!"

Doctor and Me: (Stare at each other)

Doctor:  "So Manny, how have you been?  I have been in Russia for sessions with a certain someone for the past two weeks.  I'm not going to tell you who, but I am definitely not 'PUTIN' you on."  (winks)

Manny:  "Well, this douchebag..."

Doctor:  "Manny, you know that is not a nice word to use when angry. Let's start again."

Manny:  "Well, this, ummm, guy tagged me sort of hard and I got upset.  I felt disrespected."

Doctor:  "Were you really angry about the tag, or was it something else you were keeping in?"

Manny:  "No, Señor. It was the tag."

Me:  "Come on Manny. Open up!"

Manny:  "Well, I have been having a little problem with Señor Ripken lately. He keeps on coming into the locker room after games and bragging about how 'he never sat out a game' and 'he was a better actor than Kevin Costner, that wife-banging jerk'. He's just ALWAYS there. It's like he has no life outside of baseball."

Doctor:  "What upsets you the most about Mr. Ripken?"

Me:  (leaning in for some good stuff)

Manny:  "I would really wish Señor Ripken would stop insisting on showering with us. I don't want to see a 53-year-old man naked!"

Doctor:  "Well, some people might not be so offended by that."  (stares daggers at me)

Me:  "What?"

Doctor:  "Anyway, why does this upset you so much that a simple tag can set you off?"

Manny:  "Well, Josh Donaldson, the guy who tagged me, is also having a better season than me."

Doctor:  "Do you think that is what angers you and not the sight of Mr. Ripken's bare ass?"

Manny:  "It could be, yes.  But Señor Ripken also keeps on telling me that I am not as good as Señor Robinson. Who is this Señor Robinson he speaks of?"

Me:  (googling "Ripken bare ass")

Doctor:  "He must be speaking of Brooks Robinson.  He was a great 3rd baseman for the Orioles before your time."

Me:  "Can we go back to the Ripken shower thing?"

Manny:  "Ah, okay. I wasn't aware that THAT was the same Señor Robinson. I did not know there used to be non-Latino 3rd basemen."

Doctor:  "So what else happened?"

Manny:  "Absolutely nothing."

Me:  "Manny, you need to tell the truth."

Manny:  "Okay, I might have accidentally let go of a bat and let it fly toward third base in one of the next games. My hands were slippery, though."

Me:  "Well, at least they weren't slippery in the shower and you dropped the soap in front of Ripken."

Doctor:  "Brian!  You are not helping!  Manny, are you sure it was an accident?"

Manny:  "Well...."

Doctor:  "Manny, you are in a safe place. Tell me everything."

Manny:  "Okay, it wasn't an accident. But Donaldson wasn't playing third base anymore so it has nothing to do with that. I swear!"

Doctor:  "What happened next?"

Manny:  "Señor Selig suspended me for five games."

Doctor:  "Do you see how your anger cost you?  You lost a lot of respect from people as well. Is that not something you crave?"

Manny:  "Si. But at what cost?"

Me:  "Seriously. Ripken. Shower. Details!"

Doctor:  "So Manny, how do you plan to learn from this experience?"

Manny:  "Put more pine tar on my bat?" (laughs)

Doctor:  "I'm serious, Manny. How can you make sure your anger doesn't rear its ugly head again?"

Manny:  "Well, I guess I could play for the Red Sox. All of their ass-hole moves are instantly called 'gritty' and 'competitive'. It's not like I called baseball a 'war' like Big Papi."

Me:  "You tell 'Em, Manny!"

Doctor:  "Brian!  Shut the hell up!"

Manny:  "Talk about anger, eh Doctor?"

Doctor:  "Sorry. So what else fuels this anger?"

Manny:  "I'm angry because I have to live in Baltimore. Why couldn't I been drafted by a team in a better city?  Baltimore is worse than Miami!"

Doctor:  "Well, sometimes we are put in difficult situations that we don't want to be in. Look at the bright side: you COULD have to live in Houston."

Manny:  "Yes, I suppose. I am making a lot of money. My family is not poor anymore."

Me:  "Do any other former players shower in the locker room?  Do you know any of the Phillies to see if Sandberg does this?"

Doctor:  "Brian, one more outburst and I will ask you to leave."

Manny:  "The real root of my anger is the resurgence of Nelson Cruz."

Doctor:  "And this makes you mad why?"

Manny:  "I am supposed to be the big shot here. No one else. I am supposed to be the guy hitting the home runs and scoring with the ladies and being praised, not him."

Doctor:  "Well, that sounds sort of selfish, Manny. Have you heard of being a good teammate?"

Manny:  "Señor Ripken speaks of double-team, but that only involves his brother and some girl named Lawanda."

Doctor:  "No, no, no. Being a good teammate means being happy for the other players on your team."

Manny:  "Oh, like Kobe Bryant?"

Doctor: (laughs) "No, not him. More like Derek Jeter."

Manny:  "That guy?  What has he ever done?"

Me:  "Well, Jeter has..."

Doctor:  "I will handle this. Jeter has won five World Series and has been the consummate teammate while keeping himself out of trouble.  Is that not what you strive for?"

Manny:  "I'm an Oriole. I'm not sure what this World Series you speak of is."

Me:  "Tell me about it.  I'm a g****** f****** Cubs fan."

Doctor:  "Oh dear lord!  I had no idea. Manny, you will be fine. Just control your anger. Brian, we will spend the remaining 45 minutes on you.  You can leave, Manny.  Please continue, Brian."

Me:  "Well, it started when I was little..."

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