Everyone have a good off week? Did you miss me? Aww shucks. I missed you too. I would have called but your number is unlisted.
We enter Week 8 with Arsenal and Liverpool tied for top of the table. Who predicted that? If you did, I would like some stock tips from you as well. I am playing hurt today as I slipped in the stairwell of the student center this morning, reinjuring my back and killing my wrist from catching my fall. (Note: I blame the janitors for making the stairs so wet during class hours.)
Anyway, I have a special treat for you today. All of my picks are a "Stultz Guarantee of the Week". (Patent pending) Off we go:
- David Stockdale (Fulham) - Going up against Crystal Palace, look for Stockdale to earn his second straight clean sheet. (VERDICT: PLAY)
- Jussi Jaaskkelainen (West Ham) - MY GOALKEEPER! Seriously, he is. He will shock the world this week by keeping Man City to just one goal. (VERDICT: PLAY)
- Ashley Williams (Swansea City) - I went to school with an Ashley Williams back in the late 80's. She was not memorable nor did anything that ever stood out. I think it might be the name. (VERDICT: BENCH)
- John Terry (Chelsea) - I am still riding on the "Terry Train". (VERDICT: PLAY)
- Michael Turner (Norwich City) - Poor Norwich having to go against Arsenal after a week off. (VERDICT: BENCH)
- Brede Hangeland (Fulham) - My boy Brede (totally naming my first son that) will have a busy day keeping that Crystal Palace offense from scoring. You know what? SECOND STRAIGHT CLEAN SHEET FOR FULHAM! GUARANTEE! (VERDICT: PLAY)
- Steven Gerrard (Liverpool) - Fresh off scoring for England to help them qualify for Brazil 2014, Gerrard remains the heart and soul of the Reds. Look for him to continue his excellent play. (VERDICT: PLAY)
- Tom Cleverley (Manchester United) - IF he plays, look for him to struggle. (VERDICT: BENCH)
- IF YOU OWN AARON RAMSEY AND YOU DO NOT START HIM, YOU ARE A MORON!
- Adnan Januzaj (Manchester United) - Where in the world did all these world class Belgians come from all of a sudden? (Oh right, Belgium) Speaking of Belgium, did anyone else see this column from 2002 that was posted on Twitter recently? It is RIDICULOUS!
- Darren Bent (Fulham) - My neighbors think I am insane due to my chanting on Saturday and Sunday mornings. Who can pass up yelling "THERE'S ONLY ONE DARREN BENT!" at 9:30 on a peaceful Saturday morning? Not I! (VERDICT: PLAY)
You know what, I think you are smart enough right now to know what forwards to play (Rooney, van Persie, Sturridge, etc...) so enough with that. I will leave you with a story:
Every year (well, until a couple of the guys became pansies), a few of us would meet in Manhattan for the first Friday of March Madness. It was always a great time filled with laughs, booze, food and hurtling insults at each other. Much to my dismay, we usually started at the ESPN Zone in Times Square (RIP you horrible overpriced place) and then went to a sports bar (Lansdowne Road - 43rd Street and 10th Avenue) owned by a friend of mine. Back in 2008, one of the members of our group somehow got lost in between the two establishments, showing up an hour and a half later. The walk was JUST three avenue blocks that should only take a maximum of 20 minutes. That member's name? The one and only Ray Guilfoyle!